Le Fin

That's it. No more blogging from me.

For those of you that have been reading habitually, I sincerely thank you.

I'm not wrapping this up today because I feel like I've sufficiently learned the lessons of my 20s; I feel like I'm still analyzing them, assessing the problems & moving forward. I've just decided that I don't need the blog anymore. I have a diary. I've kept one since I moved back to this country in 1989. A lot of my personal growth needs not be neglected from my diary & needs not be documented on the World Wide Web, quite frankly. So I bid you adieu, Blogger. Thank you for getting me to this point.

*M*

You say "prank," I say "joke"

I'm not going to title this "End of a Relationship pt. III" even though it is.

I was told today to stop referring to my untimely dating issues as "jokes". Though I agree that there isn't one thing remotely humorous about aaaaanything I've been dealing with, is it still unfair to refer to the unfortunate instances as a joke? Perhaps the correct term is a "practical joke"? It really is unhumorously funny when I think about how timing can be so incredibly wrong for one person, but seemingly on-time for the other person. Surely it's not a gut-aching, hysterically funny joke at all...more like a prank gone wrong.

And such a cruel joke right before the holidays? Man, that's such a prank gone wrong.

But such is life really, right? Life (or God) has a quirky sense of humor I've learned. These jokes are really lessons &/or experiences that we should learn from or use them to grow. I don't know though, maybe they are jokes. Jokes that we're supposed to laugh at and not take too seriously. Perhaps the point of life: Not to take it too seriously. Everything after all is fleeting. We all have bad experiences so maybe the point is to laugh it off, wipe the tears off your face & keep it moving. I don't know though. I honestly don't know. Just trying to figure out why the joke is on me a lot these days...

Fun times ahead!

Being 30 is fun!

I mean, not really but there is something light & airy about it. I'm becoming more in tune with what I want out of life, I'm starting to figure out ways to achieve my goals, I'm thinking more long term. But there is also something else that happens, it's weird. I've almost gained this "I don't give a fuck" attitude about some things & a "meh" feeling towards some people, as if to say I just don't care, but in a positive way! It's wonderful actually!

I'm sloooowly learning to let things roll off my back & not to take some things to heart. I'm learning to be truly okay in my skin. I'm understanding that every person's story is a different one & sometimes I'm only privy to their first few chapters. And you know what? That's okay too.

30 really is fun in its own way. I was in my car with 3 other girlfriends recently, discussing a topic sexual in nature. One of the girls was 24 & said something like, "Monique! You can't say that!!!" And I naturally & confidently responded, "I'm 30 years old, I can say whatever I want!" Which is so true! I am now that older cousin I used to look up to, in all her glamour with her carefree lifestyle! I am her! I can literally... within reason... do as I please. And it feels good!

The End of a Relationship pt.II

I can't believe November is here! It's almost a new year & with the pending arrival of 2011, reflection always floats around in my mind sporadically.

I was on Facebook the other day & though I don't always pay attention to the News Feed, I noticed one from a "friend" who posted a video of her son. I watched the video mainly because I haven't seen him in a while. Well in the background was another child, a baby girl, in one of those bouncy chairs. "She gave birth already??" I thought. And not because she didn't tell me, but because he didn't tell me.

I'm not going to name him on this post & because I don't have a nickname for him, he really should remain nameless. But we'll call him...Steve.

Steve & I used to be very close for 11 years. He was there for me through many heartaches & I for him. He was sort of like that friend you can be blunt with, call him an asshole (& mean it) but still talk the  next day like nothing happened. Or if we hadn't spoken in a few months, speaking again was never difficult because we simply picked up where we left off.

Despite how things ended last year, having seen the Facebook feed, I sent him an email to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter & wished him well. He responded indicating that she had been born months ago & wished me the same. Ouch.

Although I can honestly state that I did nothing to cause the demise of our relationship, it still hurts me to my core. The fact that Steve and I are purposely drifting apart, breaks my heart. Very much like my relationship with my sister.

I'm constantly -mentally- battling with these two people which is a huge stressor to add to my brain, on top of already having to battle with my habitual issues of resentment towards my father. But between Steve & my sister, I feel like I'm repetitively torn between doing "the right thing" and standing my ground (some call it being stubborn, I prefer to say 'standing my ground', wink wink). I can't count how many times I pick up my phone, prepared to call & deliver my opening line or two, but only to put the phone back in my purse. I guess I truly thought that we'd all be over it by now; perhaps the scar is deeper than I believe it should be. To me, life is greater than petty arguments & text-messaged misunderstandings. The fact that 2011 is almost here & we've spent 2010 not speaking...really, really hurts my heart. The fact that 2011 is almost here & it seems like nothing between us will get better next year, well... there are no words to describe how that realization makes me feel. Looks like I just need to accept that this is truly the end of our relationships, or at least accept it's the end of how they used to be.
Control + alt + delete.

The world keeps spinning. A paragraphed list of things I know & remember...

A year ago today, around 2am,  I was sleeping when my iPhone rang. I remember slowly emerging from my Stage 4 sleep...contemplating not answering the phone because "It's a Thursday. I have work tomorrow dammit"...then thinking "what if something's wrong? Maybe Ana needs a ride home or something happened with Kelli" (I thought about Ana & Kelli because we've been known in the past to go out on a weeknight, so I assumed a 2am call from one of them wouldn't be a total shocker). I picked up my phone & vaguely made out a picture of Alexis in her Halloween costume; the picture I chose for her caller ID.

Somewhat confused, I hesitantly answered, "Hey honey, how are you? Are you ok?"
"No. Ricky's dead" she said.

I remember immediately sitting up in bed. I remember feeling awake simultaneously, no more cloudiness. I remember saying "What?", honestly wondering if I heard her correctly. I remember her crying & saying that he drowned & that she couldn't get in touch with Ana. I remember thinking I had to speak to the boys & I had to speak to Ana as soon as possible.

So Alexis & I got off the phone & I did just that. I called Ana, but it went to voicemail. I thought to call Damu but I decided to call Briscoe first, because I figured Damu already knew. It's funny that I remember thinking all of this. After that, I called Ana & she answered, bawling. Her words were slurred behind her tears & she was completely incoherent...which means she knew.

I don't remember much after that. I know I laid there & cried. I know that it didn't feel real. I know that when I woke up, I couldn't wake up, so I emailed my boss & said that I'd be late to work. I know that I couldn't focus at work that day & I left early. I know I was in shock.

There are a lot of things I don't know though. I don't know when it was that Ricky & I became close. I think it happened naturally: One day we were being introduced, the next day we were talking about goals & where we saw ourselves in 5 years. I admit there is a lot I don't know about him but the things I do know, I miss. Even a year later.

There isn't anyone in the world -or in heaven- like Ricky. He just had this way of living that seemed so laissez-faire, yet everything he did, every move he made was calculated. He was very smart, very opinionated, very driven & very spontaneous. You could talk to him about anything, from parties to politics. What I love most about Ricky is that you just couldn't be in a bad mood around him. It was literally impossible. Impossible.

I don't think about him everyday anymore, it comes & goes. Nowadays, I smile when Gucci Mane's "Wasted" comes on, instead of cry. I look back on the pictures that I refuse to delete & I smile. I remember my 29th birthday & I can see him smiling at me, so I smile. That's what he would've wanted anyway, right?

I'm aware that the world keeps spinning & life goes on when people die. I know this. We all know this. But Ricky, it just...amazes me that a year has already passed without you here. You are truly missed.

"Life is Short. Stay awake for it"

Apparently that's the motto for the coffee shop chain, Caribou Coffee. I don't frequent there much; I tend to be an avid Starbucks supporter but while killing time before a meeting yesterday, Caribou Coffee was the only nearby option.

I walked in & it had the typical air of a coffee shop: the easy-listening music was playing, available couches & tables, even a fireplace. I had 30 minutes to kill so I ordered a cookie & grabbed 2 napkins. Normally, a napkin is a napkin but these had some sentences printed on them. One napkin read, "What do you stay awake for?" and the other read "Yet another thing to stay awake for: write a really, really short novel." The second napkin was a cute idea, so I tucked it away inside my purse but the first one made me wonder, "What DO I stay awake for? What motivates me to be positive each day? What gets me going? What's my purpose?"

I can't say that I have the answer to all of those questions which really bothers me. Both napkins had lines on them, so that you could grab a pen & jot down your thoughts. At the bottom of each napkin there was the Caribou Coffee logo & motto which read, "Life is short. Stay awake for it."

Am I awake or am I missing it? Lately I've felt rejuvenated about life but honestly, I'm lacking purpose right now. I'm living in the day-to-day, making money to pay bills but am I awake for life? Am I living?

When I used to dance in the NBA, I felt alive. When I was a French Teacher, albeit exhausted 90% of the time, I felt alive. I don't feel alive right now. It's an interesting question though, what do you stay awake for? I posted it on Facebook and a couple people joked, but a friend from high school responded saying her children are what she stayed awake for. Now that's deep. That's a purpose. So much in life is left to be explored, so much of life is left to be lived. I want to feel that. I want to feel like I'm doing what I've been meant to do. I want to feel like I am achieving something.

Last day of summer...1st day of my 30s

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

It's here!! I'm 30 years old people!! Or as my aunt likes to remind me, "30 old years!" (NOT literally though. When I was celebrating my 3rd birthday, she asked me of my age & I naively responded, "3 old years!" She thought it was hilarious, never forgot that & recites it for every birthday of mine).

'Tis my birthday people. I woke up feeling happy & loved and nothing even occurred yet! Definitely off to a great start. J called me at midnight but only seconds after Dominique (friend since high school & ex-boyfriend) texted. Then when I woke up this morning at 6am, I had a text from my ex-boyfriend of 2 years, Dennis:

"Happy Birthday!!!!!!! Inhale. Happy Birthday!!!!!!!" I literally laughed out loud, then replied thanking him. He then replied, "So was I first? Third? What?? Hehe j/k...have a perfect day." He had texted me at 12:18am.

It always makes me laugh when people in my life say things that make me realize, they know me so well. I can't recall if he did this last year, but having not been together for almost 2 years now, I thought it was hilarious that he knew to hurry up & reach out to me because there is always a race for some reason. I'm laughing right now actually, as I type this.

I know that people do these things not because I bully them into doing it or for fear of being on my "Shit List." It makes me smile to know that they do it because they love me enough to do it, and boy did I feel the love today. I heard from people I've known forever, to those I've recently become acquainted with, to those I never thought I'd hear from again. Certainly, sites like Facebook make it easier but that doesn't matter because no one had to wish me anything... but they did. Over 140 Facebook wall messages, several Facebook emails, many tweets and many songs were sang in my honor today and that was just the start of my day.

My day was just beautiful over all, both figuratively & literally. I woke up in great spirits, got come car things accomplished (some of it for less than expected!), went shopping & had a wonderful dinner. The devil tried his best to muddy up my day though, by causing a hard-hitting fender bender prior to my dinner date, but I didn't let him win. I chose not to let him win. Instead, I took a moment to say to myself, "it's okay & it'll be okay." And it was. The 3 of us walked away from the car accident in fully operable vehicles, so my day could continue! Why shouldn't it?! I'm 30 today!!

So I went home & before Zin picked me up for our date, my friend Annette dropped off yet another birthday gift and we chatted briefly before she left. I placed it next to Kelli's "30th birthday survival kit" gift that she carefully put together for me & stood there smiling at my friend's gifts, feeling loved. Shortly thereafter, Zin called & requested that I meet him outside. When I did, he was waiting for me outside of the car -almost like the men did in the olden days by their chariots- wearing a beautiful, crisp lavender shirt (my favorite color). When we got to dinner, he gave me a bag of 3 gifts, each symbolic in its own way, and making it an extremely thoughtful gift overall. He wrote me a beautiful note to explain the symbolism of the gifts but also to remind me to be grateful of all that I've accomplished in my measely 30 years of existence on this Earth... and to be excited for what's to come.

I really am actually. I have a troupe of loving friends & family that support me, many goals and many dreams that I can't wait to tap into! I look back on my 20s and I'm really glad that I chose to do things my way. I've fallen many times. I've made a few repetitive mistakes. I've gotten up & pushed forth and upward. Nothing can really hold me back now and for that, I'm looking forward to this new decade of my life.

Wrapping up my 20s...

It is the day before my birthday & I'm feeling pretty good about it. I got to work today & our "Monday morning meeting" was cancelled, so that always makes me happy. The sun was shining brightly this morning. I am breathing. Life is good.

It just is, plain & simple. I don't have anything to complain about really, though I'm sure if I sit here long enough, I could conjure up something. My 20s were fun and very eventful! I may not be married off by now, or with child, or maintained a career, or, or, or... but I have done more than most. Instead I've dibble-dabbled in a couple of careers and have been in two "long" relationships, to come out the other side knowing what I want my professional life to look like & what I want my love life to look like. That to me, is a huge feat in itself.

Before leaving work today, a colleague in the New York office told me to pop open a bottle of wine & toast to the end of my 20s. Brilliant idea, I thought to myself but instead, a friend called & wanted us to grab dinner to catch up, so we did. We went to a cute, quaint Columbian/Peruvian restaurant that I had never seen in all my 16 years of being in Charlotte. The food was quite tasty, as was the homemade sangria. Before sipping my glass I took a moment to silently (i.e. in my head) say goodbye to 29 and be grateful of what's to come.

So now I'm at home and about to get an early night. There are a few people that will surely call me at midnight in a race to be "the 1st place winner" to wish me a happy birthday, and like every year, I look forward to it [insert smiley emoticon].

Wow... 30 is really coming.

Playa Mujeres!!

A week ago, my college best friends and I returned from Playa Mujeres, Mexico, a place that a year ago, we began planning to visit in honor of becoming 30 years old.

Our brainstorming the location was quite precise. We wanted to travel to someplace warm, not kid-appropriate, fairly inexpensive & all-inclusive were the main consensus. The date? We decided Labor Day holiday weekend would be a decent fit... it wasn't as cheap as earlier in the year, and yeah, it's in the middle of hurricane season but the weather wouldn't be horribly hot and it would serve as a somewhat median for our birthdays: Katie turned 30 in January, Shameika's birthday was in June, Daphne, Tokii and myself are in September and bringing up the rear is J's birthday in October. Perfect! Labor Day weekend it is!

Unfortunately, not all of the Sensational 6 could make the trip. Passports weren't arriving in time, a baby was born, life just got in the way. The Sensational 6's 30th birthday trip ended up just being 4:



Tokii, Me, J and Katie headed off to Cancun Mexico's secluded beach of Playa Mujeres on Saturday, September 4th and boy did we have a ball...

I read somewhere that one of the keys to life is to make at least 3 people smile each day. I don't know if I personally did that for them but they certainly made me smile several times everyday. Not to mention the location! I couldn't help but smile at our room's beautiful view of one of the 7 pools on the resort, where we were just a brief walk away from the Caribbean Sea. The weather was ideal everyday, there were things to do -or nothing to do at all- which is EXACTLY what I wanted out of this trip: Plenty of time to relax with my girlfriends & mentally vacate my life. Who would want more? I strongly recommend a girl's trip as you wrap up your 20s because even though I'm not 30 yet, it was the perfect way to enter the next chapter of my life, and what better way to do it than with those you love?

Swim, bike & run?

"Proficiency in swimming, cycling, and running alone is often not sufficient for success in triathlon."

That's the last sentence I read on Wikipedia's thorough breakdown of what defines a Triathlon.

And when I mentioned doing a Triathlon with a colleague whose wife recently completed one, he said, "It is not for the faint of heart".

Hmm. Not feeling very positive right now. Which is the same way I felt when I decided to run a half marathon, so perhaps I'm on the right track! (no pun intended)

Competing in a Triathlon is up there with skydiving for me. Both are things that I've thought about doing but am not sure if I can. Minus the whole possible death part of skydiving, I think I'd enjoy doing them because they're both ideas that have been lying dormant in the back of my mind, chillin'.
Can I do it?
Will I be able to squeeze in the sufficient training time into my schedule?
Am I trying to do too much right now?
Goals have to be realistic & attainable so I'll continue to think about this before blogging any further...

Whoa, "woe"??

Sometimes when I feel unsure about decisions I make or am curious if I'm odd in my way of thinking, I'll run my private thoughts by my closest friends.



I emailed J (a nickname I gave her in college) and explained my latest situation and asked her if it made sense to her. She reassured me that I was sane afterall (whew!) & offered her tidbits of thoughts around the whole thing. I ended the email thread thanking her, thinking that would've been the end of the conversation. She wrote back telling me that she hated that I have to be in the situation I'm in & then said, "You meet a guy, he seems GREAT but he has baggage. You meet a guy, he seems unbearable and annoying, so of course you can’t get rid of 'em." I responded, "And with that, you’ve inspired a blog that I shall write later..."



So here I am. I'm not going to lie... I planned on writing about how unfortunate my adult dating life has been & how I can't catch a break for anything. I was going to go into vague detail (haha) about being willing to love a man but he "has baggage," as J put it. Or about how I'm constantly having to shoo the other men -the ones I'm not interested in- away. I planned on whipping out my violin, complaining about how "they never get it 'til you're gone" & singing "woe is me"! Now that I sit at my desk ready to write it, I just don't think it's appropriate anymore...



Only because woe is not me! Woe is defined as grievous distress, affliction, or trouble, an exclamation of grief or lamentation. Sure I've had unfortunate luck in the dating world but is it truly woeful? Perhaps. Let's see:


I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost two and a half years... Prior to that, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years. I've been on a date when it was apparently okay to practically admit to still being inlove with your homosexual exgirlfriend, while smoking a joint in a restaurant... I've been lied to repetitively by so-called guys who "cared" for me, yet could only show it behind more empty lies & closed doors... Some guys placed the importance of themselves over my well-being... Some flat out wanted to play games... Some refused to commit... Some didn't want their lack of commitment to be common knowledge... Some were lacadaisical... Some were physically violent... and my latest earth shaker, one that just isn't ready (emotionally) to fully give 100%.



Yes, it sucks, but life could be worse.



Lately I've been thinking a lot about death, more specifically "Slick", Ricky & a colleague at work. One of my best friends Katie, has blogged many times about her dealing with Slick's passing. Although a friend of mine as well, I've grown to learn far more about him in reading her latest blog(s). I think about how much Katie went through & how much of that I will never know. And that hurts my heart.



I think about my friend Ricky Childers, who passed almost a year ago. He had a vivacious way of living, one I've only seen rarely. I remember our last conversation, I think about all the things I'd love to tell him & how I wish I had more time with him. He drowned in the Caribbean while on vacation with his family, so I'm trying to decide if my recent flood of thoughts of him are due in fact that I'm leaving for a vacation in Mexico next week or because the anniversary of his death is coming. I'm not sure but I think of him everyday now.



I think about my colleague at work who has less than 2 months to live. When I was hired almost 4 years ago, she & I connected rather quickly due to our ability to speak French. She has been battling a rare type of lung cancer that is prone to those that are passive smokers. In other words, they don't smoke themselves but have contracted this lung cancer through second-hand smoke. How tragic to be dying from something you couldn't prevent, something not of your own doing! It breaks my heart. Especially because of her strong will to live and humongous heart. Now her daughter is beginning college this week, knowing that her mother could be passing at any minute.

Yet... I want to bitch about how the stars aren't aligning correctly in my dating life?

There's far more to life than a date on Friday night. DISCLAIMER: I am Not demoting my current guy to being just a bed-warmer or a movie date by any means...but surely there's more to complain about in life, right? There are starving children in the world, wars, judicial injustices, unexpected deaths, to name a few. There's far more to life than my measely problems really. So, I'm not going to blog about how miserable I am not seeing him everyday but be grateful that I have sight at all. In the meantime, I won't deny that I'm unhappy, frightened, anxious & sad because I do believe that emotions shouldn't be kept hidden if you're truly in them. But what I won't do, is continue to bury myself in this state of self-pity.

Yes, it sucks, but life could be worse.

Oh the irony..

16 years ago today, I moved to Charlotte, North Carolina.


16 years later to the day, I got a call from my realtor:


"hey girl, it's Sophia... gimme a call, i got an offer on your place..."


Not really "ironic" at all but it does bring forth a scratch the chin moment though, doesn't it? I mean, this is it. This is the moment I've been waiting on since putting my condo on the market in February! Now I can finally move back to Miami, & it's because of this that I believe it to be ironic that I'd receive such news on the day I dreaded leaving in the first place.


...And now i'm dreading making this decision altogether. For there is uncertainty looming and it has been since I got back from my last trip to Miami.

So now what?!

A slight turn for the...better?

I forgot to wear earrings today.

As an adolescent, I quickly decided never to leave the house without my rings, earrings or lipstick and to this day, I never typically do. If for some reason I rush out of the house without any of the aforementioned, I am probably seriously late or stressed out to the point of mind fogginess. Last night I had a conversation I didn't want to have... this morning I forget to put on earrings before leaving the house.


Mind fogginess.


The conversation I had last night was necessary. I needed to have it, if only to give my mind a nap from all the recent analyzing & hovering curiosity.


I met someone worth meeting. Yes, we've all said that before but this one is something different. This one & I (please excuse the cliché)... we clicked. On paper, he is everything I would even list categorically. In reality, he is everything I would have conjured up for myself. Needless to say, this time we spent together has been "a God-send" truly. I don't regret any of it, I wouldn't change any of it.



However I would have considered that certain something in your past that was still quite present in your life, so that last night's conversation wouldn't have had to have taken place.



I would have considered having a lighter conversation about it earlier on... when things between us were still somewhat "light and fluffy."



So now that feelings are invested, I'm left a little... Topsy turvy.


Am I supposed to now pretend that you don't exist so that your past memories with her don't exist?


Am I supposed to now pretend that I don't miss you and that it's hurting me inside to not say "hi"? Just the lack of a simple "hi" hurts?


All in the name of being "older and wiser". This is definitely a blog of clichés and I apologize for that, but I can't find the words right now. I couldn't find the words last night. I'm a writer so I do hope the words find their way back home to me soon or my Editor is going to be livid. I just... I can't... I... I mean...[sigh]...don't know.



What I do know is that this necessary conversation of ours was indeed imminent. It can only make things better in the long run. Should there even be a 'long run.' Lord I hope there's a 'long run.'


So as unhappy as I/we may be, I tip my hat off to last night's conversation. I've learned so much about myself over the past year, I have all confidence that I'm approaching 30 a new woman. I doubt I would have had last night's conversation a year or two ago actually... I would have ignored all considerations and "enjoyed the moment," but been living in the club every weekend. Not always the healthiest decision. Don't think I've ever been so proud of making myself so unhappy.



So here's to 30... and to remembering my earrings tomorrow.

No Stress, Just Success

The day finally came for me to spend the 10 days in Miami for research & audition purposes. I had planned to arrive 2 days before the audition day, and remain for the week after, should I progress to the Boot Camp round of the audition process. When I was leaving Charlotte, Zin took me to the airport and once noticing the apprehension & nervousness in my face before kissing me goodbye, he looked at me and said, "No stress, just success?" Which I repeated with confirmation, "no stress, just success."



However, that day of traveling had events of it's own that created little stresses here and there, like the kicking & crying toddlers behind me, and my absentmindedness causing me to rush out of a stinky bathroom without my very expensive, very gorgeous head shots required for auditions. I somehow managed to remain very calm and stress-free for the most part.



Auditioning for the Miami Heat is an experience that I would recommend to all of my past teammates and dancer friends. Nearly 400 girls were in attendance and the energy was at an unknown high the minute you arrived at the American Airlines Arena. The outfits were outrageous, the talent was tantamount to watching the So You Think You Can Dance audition episodes... just with more of a hip hop and Latin flavor. I felt comfortable yet excited and eager to begin.


So we did. They began with a video montage of the prior year's squad, then immediately into a freestyle cut. Then we learned a hip hop routine taught by the Heat's director, and a Jazz routine taught by prior MHD member and So You Think You Can Dance finalist, Susie.



I've never struggled with learning choreography and I didn't struggle with it at the Heat audition. I did feel slightly overwhelmed however, by the amount of talent surrounding me that the old stand next to someone worse than you rule, couldn't come into play. At all. I did my best, I danced hard but didn't advance into the next round.



Surprisingly, I was fine with it and was uber proud that I made it past one round! I had spent so much energy considering the possibility of not making the team and worrying about what it would do to my ego, that it never crossed my mind that I could be okay. And I was. Some of that in part has to do with a conversation I had with Zin actually, when he painted a different variation of the process to me & reminded me that I'm no less of a dancer for not making this squad. Especially after having been out of the game for 2 years now.



Truth.

The rest of my remaining days in Miami was focused on job follow-ups and spending time with family and friends and I have to be honest... a lot of self-realization occurred.

I realized that my lack of closure with my hometown may have already been reconciled, unbeknownst to me. I love Miami -I always will- but that joie de vivre I referenced wasn't there this time around. I learned throughout the week that I might have been holding on to what it used to be, not what it had become: an empty box of old memories.

Not all of my family still lives there... my childhood best friend has a life (and a lifestyle) of her own now... the life dynamic has changed... things are different overall. I wondered, is this where I want to be?

Turning 30 is a bitch. It definitely does something to the psyche whether you admit to it or not. I do believe however that we as a society tend to put these deadlines on ourselves & associate them with age, which is unfair as every person's lives and goals differ. But you just can't help thinking about what you may want for yourself when 30 comes around. At least, that's my explanation.

So I have some serious pontification ahead but hey - "no stress, just success."I stand now in limbo of whether or not a plan to relocate to the Sunshine State is what's best for me... or if it's what I truly desire anymore. And that's okay. Perhaps I've ripped out that chapter and am beginning to write a newly revised one for myself now...

The Big "Little" Moments

About a week & a half ago, a friend that I became acquainted with through a mutual friend in 2005, wanted to host an intimate dinner at her house in my honor. This plan of mine to relocate is suddenly becoming a real plan to most, so she wanted to capitalize on the free time I have now versus in a month when hopefully things will fast forward a bit. The list of attendees would be herself of course (her name is Annette) and two of my closest friends & past teammates, Ana & Kelli.

I arrived first surprisingly, but even more of a surprise was that Ana was the last to arrive, when Kelli's past history would've undoubtedly placed her last! As Kelli walked in, she toted a huge, yellow gift bag but me being more interested in her arrival, I didn't open it at the time.


Annette is the perfect hostess. Prior to being engrossed in my relocation plans, she & I would meet every Wednesday night for a "Girl's night"; We would catch up on each other's lives, maybe gossip and she always had something prepared to eat & something fabulous to drink. Last night it was grilled Jerk Chicken, plantains, rice & beans, patties (all very Jamaican) with gigantic margaritas! Needless to say, we all had a wonderful evening...


...And certainly, there were the little moments that I won't forget about my evening with "The Fabulous 4". My friend Katie has blogged many times about creating "mental snapshots". She writes:


I wish other people could feel moments the way I feel them. The way I capture a moment – an expression mid-sentence, eyes squinted in a laugh, a sideways look, a small achievement or a defining instant, an overall setting – whether it’s intense and intimate or casual and breezy. Maybe others do and just don’t share them out loud. I don’t know what triggers me to take mental snapshots of my surroundings at any given time. I know that I do this most often when my friends are laughing.


Last night, I finally got that. Not insinuating that I go through life forgetting moments, & facial expressions of excitement or discontent, but last night created a new folder in my mental hard drive. I did just as Katie expressed and took mental snapshots while they laughed, among other moments throughout the evening. Even right now I can vividly see an expression Ana made shortly after arriving that told me that she was a little sad inside. I can vividly see the serene pleasure and happiness Annette was feeling, while watching Ana give one of her many hilarious snippets. I can vividly see the quick moments of eye contact between Kelli and I, when only brief words are exchanged because our eyes understand the very thoughts that we're thinking. Every laugh, every smile, every half smile and pout are still so clear to me...I think I have mastered this "mental snapshot" Katie refers to so frequently.

Leaving Annette's house, I felt loved and happy. I felt somewhat emotional and ever so thankful to call those 3 my friends. I recollected on the memories I have with those girls & smiled as I drove home. I replayed the evening in my head & realized that some of those memories we laughed about, I had forgotten until then, simply due to the passing of time. Even though I know it's expected for people to occasionally forget details over time, I hung on to every word last night and did my best to create those mental snapshots, as an attempt to keep them close to me.

When I got home, I opened the big yellow gift bag that Kelli brought me. Earlier, she had hinted that the real treat would be the front of the gift, surely to make me smile. So when I reached inside the bag, I pulled out a large National Geographic book; the cover was a picture of a gray kitten, sitting ever so curiously beside a pair of ballerina legs, gazing up. I immediately felt the emotion coming over me. At the bottom of the bag was a card. The card said it all but then she wrote about how much she cherishes me as a friend, how she misses me already but that she gets it now.

And she does. They all get it now.

I held back my tears. Why? I'm not sure. I think because I know that there will be the days for tears, but last night wouldn't be it. My night with The Fabulous 4 was exactly what I needed & although I can't even begin to express how much I will miss those girls, I cannot help but smile.

Losing Sleep Over the Future...Part II

It's back.

Evenings of feeling sleepy but not getting much sleep at all. Since my last experience with insomnia, I've done relatively well with maintaining a [somewhat decent] sleep pattern but recently, I believe it's back because I have so much on my mind. Again.

Not that it's a surprise really. Next weekend I am auditioning for what myself & others would profess to be the zenith of all NBA dance teams, and I feel somewhat ready. I don't know what to expect which is why I can't say that I feel totally ready. Which is one of the reasons why I can't sleep.

Another obvious reason would be the evident relocation that is ever so lingering. It dances before my eyes, taunting me with everything I do. I get in my car everyday, and all I see are Ivy's electrical issues that need to get fixed before she gets towed to Florida. I go to work, and all I see are the items around my desk that I'll soon need to pack or the 3rd conversation I'll need to have with my boss. I return home in the evenings, and I see boxes and ideas for what should be packed & how. Then I get overwhelmed by everything that has to get done...except, I don't know by when. I've learned a lot about myself over the years but in regards to the relocation, I've noticed that as I approach 30:

• I like order


• I like calendars


• I like consistency


• I like to have a plan

My life currently:

• lacks order


• I'm well aware of dates/upcoming deadlines


• I'm in a consistent routine majority of the time but


• I lack a definite plan*

*I thought I had a plan, but then reality set in and I've realized that my plan may need to be tentative for now, and that's ok.


Most of the time, I feel like I have to focus on one thing at a time in order to achieve anything but having been dubbed as "the Queen of Multitasking" at the office, this is so frustrating for me!

I know one thing: something's gotta give. I'm not sleeping well and I don't foresee it getting any better before the big audition day. Somehow I need to find a way to clear my mind & not worry so much, however I should also add that another thing I'm learning about myself is my dislike of the unknown. If we're dating, I don't like not knowing if we're exclusive or not because I function better with guidelines. If I'm going to a function, I don't like not knowing what the attire is for fear of being the oddly dressed guest. If I'm going to pick up and leave my house & loved ones behind, I don't like not knowing if I have a job lined up (a day job &/or my dream dance job), or what my living arrangements are going to look like in reality. Maybe at 22 I wouldn't mind at all but at 29? Not so much.

But yet I am so determined to make my dream, my goal a reality...

So... I guess I won't be sleeping well again tonight.

In due time...

Since the recent "bad news", I decided to truly make my actions speak volumes by not dwelling on the negativity. In turn, I've had some recent "good news", one being that I get to keep my job here in Charlotte and another being that I'm having increased showings of my place. Things are (slowly but surely) looking up...


Now I'm sitting at my desk having said goodbye to a fellow colleague & friend who, on "Layoff Thursday", was saying adieu to begin a new life in Raleigh, NC. She has accepted a new position with a new company there & I couldn't be happier for her. So I sit here, grateful for not being laid off (not yet, anyway. It's only 3:26pm) but anxious for Miami to bring me similar luck that Raleigh has brought my dear colleague.



Just as I start to feel a bit too anxious, I reflect on an inspiring conversation I had with recent author and a prior coach of mine last week. After telling her via email that the plan was in definite motion, she requested that I called her to discuss my upcoming relocation. As I scrolled through my contacts I have to admit that I had butterflies in my esophagus, stomach, uterus, patella, you name it. I was about to call a strong, well-respected woman that I truly admire as a dancer & as a mentor! Granted, when she was "just my coach" she was intimidating, harsh and sometimes relentless but in retrospect, she is one of the reasons why I enjoyed dancing in the NBA and had difficulty enjoying it after she left. She just....knows. She gets it. She gets me. She understands me and my aspirations as a dancer. She helped mold me into the dancer I am today. Damn right I had butterflies.


When she answered on the other end, she sounded disgustingly happy. You know when people sound genuinely happy from within their core? That's exactly how she sounded even with her infant daughter exclaiming something in the background. She asked me general questions about The Move, like: When are you going? Do you have a job down there? Will you be auditioning for the Heat? If you're thinking about it, have you gone to any pre-audition clinics? Things of that nature. She serenely offered her advice and well-needed words of wisdom before saying one last thing to me:


"Monique, I want you to relax. I know that you're probably tackling everything all at once and I think it's very important to take one day at a time." In other words, do not exhaust yourself.


I immediately felt like crying. For months I have been trying to accomplish everything, all at once, so having received last week's "bad news", I felt a huge setback quite honestly. So I needed to hear what she had to say, and at that moment. I needed her to tell me to stop trying to juggle all these balls while blind-folded on a unicycle. And with what I've been feeling lately, I needed someone to tell me to sit back, do what needed to be done at the moment, but don't necessarily think everything had to be dealt with simultaneously. I tend to be an "all or nothing" type of gal, and she knew that about me. She knew she needed to speak with me now that I've made up my mind, so that she can essentially tell me to chill out.

I can only hope that I do her proud.

In the meantime, I will continue to trek along this self-imposed goal but employ patience knowing that it's okay to tackle one thing at a time.

Bumps

The character Samantha Jones from Sex And The City once said "a bump in the road is NEVER good & it doesn't make sense to wait around to see how NOT good!" (probably not a verbatim quote, sorry) before gesturing to the lead character Carrie, to turn her frown upside down. This is so true. I love those writers.

Ironically, while happily in the middle of selecting the pictures & finalizing my thoughts on the verbiage for the last blog post, I was asked by my boss to join him in a nearby enclave. "Do I need a pen & paper too?" I asked, noticing that he had a legal pad & Paper Mate pen in hand. "Nah" he replied, then we sat & he informed me that his boss didn't approve of my proposal to transfer my current job to Miami.

"I feel as if my hands are tied" was a thought that popped in my head. Yes, it's another Sex And The City quote, from Carrie this time (perhaps I'm still on the movie's Sequel Premiere Night high). Anyway, I felt like I couldn't respond. I couldn't shout "WHAT?! WHYYY?!!!" like I initially felt like saying. I wouldn't dare cry, even though I felt the urge. Instead, I felt like the appropriate response would be to thank him for the consideration. So I dug deep inside the aching pit of my stomach, managed a half smile & did just that. My hands were tied so tightly behind my back.

I've always been somewhat superstitious, my father is too, so we'll blame him. Since having the conversation with my boss, more "ironic" things happened or shall I say simply that I noticed a couple of "signs" that would steer me away from diving into the negative sea:

1. I've been meaning to call Michelle all weekend to tell her how relieved I was to have gotten support from my job, regarding my relocating. Something told me to hold off on calling her. So yesterday, after only a couple minutes of leaving the office, she called me to check on me & see how things were going. I cried finally, told her what happened and come to find out, she knows of a possible opportunity for me in Miami. It would be part time, but it would be something...



2. After getting a moment to myself, I checked my email and received a forward from my aunt. I hate forwards but I read it anyway. Largely it said, "The moment you receive this say..." and then it went into the Lord's Prayer. Below that it read: "God wanted me to tell you it shall be well with you this coming year. No matter how much your enemies will try this year, they will not succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For all of 2010, all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings, sorrows and pain because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY.. He will never let you down."

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not highly religious. I do not believe that going to church every Sunday will get me into Heaven and therefore suggesting that NOT going, yet believing that Jesus is your saviour, shan't get you anywhere. I am a Christian and to receive this, at that moment in time, was a quick reminder of the strength that's inside of me. The strength that God has given me. So to me (being very superstitious & somewhat religious) those two signs were swift reminders that I can still do this.

The decision my boss's boss made is simply a bump in the road, and I am going to take Samantha's advice to not focus on the bump. I need to keep walking forward, acknowledge that yes, I had a slight stumble but I haven't fallen down completely. This is still my goal and besides, sometimes it's necessary to have some bumps along the way so that the journey really becomes worth it in the end.

The Not So Little Things... part I

There are some things I will undoubtedly miss about my many years in Charlotte: the Carolina blue sky, Alive After 5, the streets Uptown to name a few. Mostly though, there are dozens of faces I will miss very terribly. I spent my adolescent years here so I had a lot of "first's" here, became acquainted with a lot of different people, gotten to grow up (literally) with a lot of people here, so in other words, as Samantha Jones poignantly said, "a lot of shit went down here!" Here's to all those faces that make the Queen City so memorable for me and don't worry, if you're not featured now there will be a part deux.

New Journey Ahead...

Having written the last blog, I'm realizing now that I don't believe I actually announced my next step in life. I'm planning on relocating to Miami, Florida in a month. Yeah I said it...a month.

However, this isn't some idea I just conjured up on a whim. I have been thinking about leaving Charlotte, North Carolina for years now. Only since dancing in the NBA did I grow content with this city and even manage to fool myself into occasionally believing it had everything I desired out of life. Most of the time however, I still find myself feeling like that 13 year old girl feeling somewhat out-of-place and different here, sometimes alone even.

Miami has a certain "joie de vivre". I have many fond memories of the city and I know most of them are juvenile ones having left as a teenager. Truth is, I don't know what Miami is like all grown up. Sure I've visited several times over the years but it varies from the day-to-day. I am so eager to experience it at this point of my life...approaching 30.

I am looking forward to some sentimental moments as well. My relationship with Miami is like the relationship with that guy whom you are no longer with but don't feel like you've received the necessary closure from, so you're not quite over it? Yeah. I need to mend things with Miami.

And knowing me, I will. I will go to my old house and remember where I had my 10th birthday or had my huffy bike stolen. I'll drive by Octaviano's Gymnastics to see if it's still there & recollect on how much I loved being in the gym and would go to my aunt's house to swim right after my gymnastics practices. I'll drive up and down the street I used to walk every day to and from school and remember how I used to dream about the things I would grow up to do or become. I'll go to the church I grew up in and can still to this day vividly remember just being there with my mother or having my confirmation. I'll order a patty at Island Delight because that's where daddy would take me and I have so few memories of him and the things that we would do alone together. I will do these things to honor my time in Miami. A bit dramatic probably, but I need that closure on the old Miami.

The new Miami holds big plans for me and I'm truly excited. I've been at peace with this decision for months now. I have goals that my superstitious self won't let me mention for fear of jinxing them, but it's those goals that are truly the gas that keeps me going. This time spent in my new Miami will also allow me to be closer to my family, in particular my father who is paralyzed having suffered a stroke (along with other medical complications) back in 2004 that is still causing a toll on his health. This new Miami is just me expanding my wings and just...living a little. I remember how excited I was when I wanted to live in France, researched it and I did. This too is another goal of mine and I cannot wait to see what it entails!

However, I don't know what the future holds. I don't know how long I will stay or how succesful I'll be but I'll definitely take the leap now. Not because I am turning 30 but because it is time for me to act and not react. I cannot wait to do this, if only for myself but for peace of mind, knowing that I tried. I can only hope that everything pans out in a positive way. In the meantime I am claiming my life and ready to write my own journey.