The Date from HELL.

I think every woman in her 20s has had that one date from hell. The one date where you're sitting across from the table, silently cursing yourself for wasting your time but also wanting to slit your wrists & run away at the same time. Well 4 days shy of my 29th birthday, I finally had mine.

So we were to meet at 10:30 at The Wine Up, it’s a laid back open mic poetry spot. Think dreads, pool tables, nice bar, round tables, soulful music. I planned on being fashionably late so I got there at 10:40 but he (Anonymous Adam, we'll call him) had texted saying he was running late. Hmm…ok.

I sat there, listened to the live music which is a prelude to the live poetry. Poetry started, no Anonymous Adam. I sat thru about 4-5 poets before he arrived. I snuck & looked at my phone…it was 11:20 (please note the time I arrived & the time the date was SUPPOSED to have started). Strike 1.

Now mind you, I did get a text prior to leaving my house that said something along the lines of "I’m gonna be casual, haven’t shaved my beard because it’s just a chill spot," but I was hoping he was joking. That’s what my guy friends would do: Act like they look crappy but show up looking fly! But Anonymous Adam? Not so much. Homeboy shows up in a gray tee shirt that’s partially tucked in (the back left side was hanging out & flapping around. Also please note I said TEE SHIRT, not a button-down), Khaki pants that were probably worn once & not ironed since, clean white sneakers (thankfully they were clean), but no belt was in sight so he had a slight sag going on. Strike 2.

So we sit there, he orders a bottle of wine by name (ok, cool, he’s cultured) but it’s hard to have a conversation because there’s loud live poetry going on 20 feet away. He takes me to a downstairs area where it’s quieter. On our way downstairs, he goes, “Do u mind if I smoke?” Strike 3. I respond, “Yes, but you can go ahead.” For some strange reason, I feel compelled to ask, “Smoke what? Cigarettes?” He says…………"no, I don’t smoke cigarettes." Proceeds to whip out…………yes, you guessed it………………a spliff. Strike 4.

At this point, the date is DEFINITELY over. I am DYING laughing inside like, this can’t reeeeally be happening right now. Oh but it gets better. He goes, “so what is it that u do exactly at the construction company?” I tell him. He then segues into, “Have you ever been married or engaged?”
Um. Ok.
I respond then ask, “Why? Have you?”
He proceeds to go into explicit detail over a 20 minute timespan of how he & his ex bought a house, they were engaged, she cheated on him with one of his FEMALE friends, & how distraught he was…but “It was in 2007, and I’m over it now”. Um, really?? Because I don’t think you are! Not to mention the HUGE Date #1 NO-NO! Fellas, expanding into great detail about your ex is a big turnoff for a 1st date. Period.

Strike 5.


So we head back upstairs (because he was done dumping his relationship baggage on me and didn’t ask me ONE question about myself). The poetry was great! The wine was the flavorful! The people were friendly, I had fun! Time to go though. So he offers to walk me to my car. Amazed, I accept as it really is the most decent thing he has done all night.

However, normally when a man walks you to your car, they walk you to YOUR door, hug, may open the door for you, shut it, watch you drive off. Oh no, not Anonymous Adam. Anonymous Adam walks to the PASSENGER DOOR, enters my car & SITS DOWN! I bust out into laughter & say “OK! Am I taking YOU somewhere?!” He says, “Oh yeah, my car is just right around the corner”. Strike 6. He then directs me to “follow that car”, I quickly ask:

“where is the car going??”

Anonymous Adam: to my boy’s house around the corner

Me: Oh, so u just parked there & walked? [it was literally around the corner]

Anonymous Adam: oh no. I didn’t drive, I walked from the XYZ ["XYZ" is to replace the name of the neighborhood of which I live]

Me: [pause] ………You walked? From XYZ??

Anonymous Adam: yeah, I’m still dog-sitting for your neighbor [the friend/neighbor that vouched for this dude. The friend/neighbor that I’m gonna have a STERN talking to]

Me: So…………wait a minute. You walked PAST my condo, to The Wine Up. Why didn’t you just call me? We could’ve ridden together instead of me sitting at the bar waiting on you!

Sigh. Strike 7.

At this point, I’ve totally tuned out whatever he’s talking about & am talking to myself in my head & laughing. But somewhere when I was leaving my subconscious, I heard him say "because I don’t have a car…"

I looked at him. Then looked back at the road.

I didn’t even ask him to repeat himself. I don’t care at this point. Truthfully, I stopped caring at Strike 3.

I pull up to the driveway, give him a half hug (you know, the ones where you lean in sideways), said goodnight & drove home.