Losing sleep over the future

I have a lot on my mind & i think this is why my sleep pattern is
being disrupted. I'm thinking about a new location to begin my 30s
(not the true reason) that I'll need a reasonable sized budget for,
christmas is in 2 days, New Year's Eve is coming without a fab dress nor plans, and I've met someone that could actually hurt me. Hmm where do I begin...

I'd like to relocate so that I could explore other dance
opportunities. That's it. I'm young. I don't have any kids. Why not?
The budget for rellocating is such a terrifying thought to factor in when the bills & other sudden urgenices pop up, like your car's engine light or the fact that your HOA dues have increased. Crap, that's another 30-40 minutes of lost sleep!

Christmas is coming, which means so is the family. I need to clean. I begin to fret. Another 20 minutes lost.

New Year's Eve is arriving with such speed & I need another 2 weeks! I don't have an outfit, I don't have plans, I don't have my "roll dawg" in town, O-M-G! Did I accomplish all that I set out to do in 2009? Why, yes actually; my goal was to run a half marathon this year and I ran two! Check. Then, why am I not ready for this year to end? It was undoubtedly one of the worst years of my life, but I can't figure out why I want to slow down the hands of time. Another 30 minutes lost, pondering this very thought.

Perhaps it's because time is bringing me closer to 30? Hmmm, I'll dive into that later! In the meantime, I wrestle with thinking about what "30" means to me...for another 10 minutes.

And lastly, I've met someone new. Someone interesting. But if I usher in the New Year too soon, does that mean that I need to hurry up & figure things out with the new person? With so much happening in this upcoming year, I feel as if I'm up against a deadline & my next article is due when the sun rises! There goes another 40 minutes of sleep.

I hope things will iron out in my head, and fast. It's Wednesday and so far I've racked up 15 hours of sleep so far. That's not good. Here's to the next 8 days...

Life off the court...

Recently, I had a couple interesting conversations with an old friend. This old friend of mine isn't "old" per se, just someone I was close to at one point, then we lost touch but we've now since reconnected. This friend of mine used to play professional basketball in the NBA but fell victim to an injury & hasn't played for a couple years since then. Since he fell off the radar, I continued dancing in the NBA until that fateful day in 2008 where my services were no longer needed.

After my 4 year tenure, I went through many stages of grief. Disillusionment. Disbelief. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Dismembered, as if I were torn apart. I didn't want to eat, but couldn't stop eating. I didn't want people to see me, but couldn't stay at home. I yearned for silence but hated every minute of it. My boyfriend at the time did the best he could to understand my situation, but the truth of the matter is...no one really gets what it feels like! There are few that actually can empathize with being a part of a team, then all of a sudden, having that family torn from you. It was a "family". I saw those girls more than I saw my mother, even when I was still living WITH my mother. I spent Thanksgivings & New Year's with those girls...they become your family. And unless one is READY and WANTING to break apart from it all, to leave unexpectedly can truly leave a painful mark on your heart. It does something to you.

Because what happens is, you went from years of wanting free time, to not knowing what the hell to do with all this newfound free time! You go from having your weekends booked solid from July-April, to not having a damn thing to do, and you feel restless. Invalid. Pointless. You want nothing more than to spend time with your family, but...your family is on the court! You start to question what your life is bringing to the table, and why is it that you're not 'living'. Are you living? So many unanswered questions and the worst part is that no one can answer it for you. No one understands the question but yourself.

When the ex-NBA player & I caught up, I found it fascinating to discover that we had similar views on life off the basketball court. He spoke about how things became political for him, which, I think politics had something to do with my situation as well. He spoke about the various offers he still got once he left, but that he didn't entertain them. It seemed to be an all or nothing attitude, I heard. Perhaps they offered him a spot on a developmental league of which he may've felt overqualified for...I don't know. He didn't say. We both did agree that people don't realize what an adjustment it is, adjusting to 'real life' after the NBA. When you're in the NBA, people talk to you differently (yes, even if you're just a dancer), people treat you like you're special in some aspects, you meet a lot of "known" people, your face is recognizable. When you're no longer affiliated with it, people aren't sure how to react sometimes. And it's always written all over their faces, the awkwardness. For me, those faces usually come from the newbies, who aren't sure how to approach me. My comparison would be like when you're meeting the inlaws for the 1st time...a slight awkwardness is there because they're unfamiliar even though you're all family. So you hug anyway.

I'm looking forward to continuing this conversation with the ex-NBA player; I'd like to pick his brain a little more to see if it's still a familial atmosphere for him & his past teammates. For me, it most certainly is! Seeing the girls I spent 4 years of my life with is always a joyous moment. We're in each other's weddings. We're at each other's baby showers. We're a family. It's just the life after the family divorces,that really takes some getting used to...and I'm hoping I'll adjust any day now.

The end of a relationship

I am mourning yet another loss. It's the loss of a friendship this time, guess a death of sorts. After 11 years of camaraderie, it's a wrap. Kaput. Just like that.

I was accused of knowing something I didn't actually know, and instead of believing in me, he chose not to believe. He chose to second guess my words. He chose to second guess me. He chose to interrogate me versus listening and understanding that I loved him. He has always known that before...why not now?

I'm curious to research how people react to their covers being blown...to uncover what the typical reaction is for those whose lies have been brought to light. Some would argue that they tend to misplace the blame & accuse others of wrongdoings. Some might even say that they would deter the focus of the real issue at hand, to bring attention to something else, something insignificant. I don't know what the general reaction would be but one would think that after 11 years, a friendship might be worth salvaging. Perhaps he was lying? I don't know but what IS obvious is that I DON'T KNOW a whole lot about friendships, and I'm going into my 30s! Geeze, what have I been learning?

So far I've learned that every 5 years or so, I do a "control + alt + delete" on some relationships, some get a "restart" and some carry on as normal. I think this can be healthy, as people change & want different things in life. Some "Operating Systems" get old & an upgrade becomes necessary. I just wouldn't have thought that due to a typo, my 11 year bond with this person would end so abruptly & without a pop-up warning box.

I have a lot to learn next year and I only hope that with age comes much wisdom. It saddens me that my track record as a friend wasn't good enough for him but here's hoping that when I reboot at 30 years old, I'll no longer have these issues plaguing me like a virus, I'll be fully functioning and almost like brand new!

*M*

Ricky

I found myself wanting to tell everyone but not wanting to actually admit that it happened. I thought about tweeting. Then i thought that was tacky. "But everyone should know...we all love him, everyone should know." Then I thought about Twitter...and Facebook. Oh my God...people are going to tweet him today & not know what happened. People are going to make facebook comments to him on this very day & not know what happened last night. And whose job is it to alert the masses? Whose job is it to tell his twitter friends & facebook friends that we day-to-day friends don't personally know, that he's...

i didn't even know how much i cared until now. But i always knew. He & I have hung out solo & even sometimes when we were with the other guys or in a group, we were still solo. We'd have our own conversations. He always read my articles. And sometimes when we were out, we would stumble upon a new edition, he would read it right then, right there. Then tell me his thoughts immediately after. He knew my thoughts without me having to say anything.

When he told me he was going to the Dominican Republic, he was excited. Told me he'd be tweeting once he got wifi down there. I said something like, "love ya, have fun & be safe...i'm so jealous!" and i remember thinking, "I've never said 'i love ya' to Ricky or any of the other guys for that matter...other than Briscoe of course." But it didn't bother me. B/c i love my friends, not all romantically, but i love them because they're spectacular people whom i trust & treat like a 2nd family. He responded something to the effect of "you too, and there's a half marathon Nov. 7th that i wanna do, let me know if u wanna join me." I know i thought about responding, but i was busy at work & i honestly can't recall if i did or not.*

And i'm too terrified to get on twitter to see.

I still don't believe it's true. I feel numb & exhausted & deeply sad. I want to reach out to my friends too but i'm afraid i don't have the words. I'm afraid i don't have the strength to be a rock for everyone. Maybe they don't need me, maybe I need them. I think about the future and i just don't see how things will be the same without Ricky. He passed...way too soon. We're all dealing with the loss of a friend...way too soon. He had such a joie de vivre...he was the one of the few people I've met that seemed to never have a sad day. Blue was never a mood for him; he always had everyone laughing. It just doesn't seem right.

People say that when your loved ones die, you tend to face your own mortality. In this situation, it has made me not only question mine, but it has freaked me out about the mortality of those around me. Also makes me wonder what one's "last thoughts" are when something unexpected like this happens.
I wonder if Ricky was terrified the night he...
I wonder if Ricky had had a fun day, prior to the night he...
I wonder if Ricky said a quick prayer before he...
I wonder if Ricky had any last thoughts as he...

I don't know the answers and I wish I could just ask him...perhaps it's just not as bad as I'm imagining. I want to ask him if he at least enjoyed that day but then my rational side says "of course he did! Ricky enjoyed EVERYday." He enjoyed everyday, made us laugh everyday and eventhough I know this, I wish I could tell him not to go on that vacation so that we can enjoy our 30s together.


M

*Since writing this, I have run across the Direct Msg. I did respond saying that Nov.7th is really soon but that I would try...and we'd talk when he got back.

The Date from HELL.

I think every woman in her 20s has had that one date from hell. The one date where you're sitting across from the table, silently cursing yourself for wasting your time but also wanting to slit your wrists & run away at the same time. Well 4 days shy of my 29th birthday, I finally had mine.

So we were to meet at 10:30 at The Wine Up, it’s a laid back open mic poetry spot. Think dreads, pool tables, nice bar, round tables, soulful music. I planned on being fashionably late so I got there at 10:40 but he (Anonymous Adam, we'll call him) had texted saying he was running late. Hmm…ok.

I sat there, listened to the live music which is a prelude to the live poetry. Poetry started, no Anonymous Adam. I sat thru about 4-5 poets before he arrived. I snuck & looked at my phone…it was 11:20 (please note the time I arrived & the time the date was SUPPOSED to have started). Strike 1.

Now mind you, I did get a text prior to leaving my house that said something along the lines of "I’m gonna be casual, haven’t shaved my beard because it’s just a chill spot," but I was hoping he was joking. That’s what my guy friends would do: Act like they look crappy but show up looking fly! But Anonymous Adam? Not so much. Homeboy shows up in a gray tee shirt that’s partially tucked in (the back left side was hanging out & flapping around. Also please note I said TEE SHIRT, not a button-down), Khaki pants that were probably worn once & not ironed since, clean white sneakers (thankfully they were clean), but no belt was in sight so he had a slight sag going on. Strike 2.

So we sit there, he orders a bottle of wine by name (ok, cool, he’s cultured) but it’s hard to have a conversation because there’s loud live poetry going on 20 feet away. He takes me to a downstairs area where it’s quieter. On our way downstairs, he goes, “Do u mind if I smoke?” Strike 3. I respond, “Yes, but you can go ahead.” For some strange reason, I feel compelled to ask, “Smoke what? Cigarettes?” He says…………"no, I don’t smoke cigarettes." Proceeds to whip out…………yes, you guessed it………………a spliff. Strike 4.

At this point, the date is DEFINITELY over. I am DYING laughing inside like, this can’t reeeeally be happening right now. Oh but it gets better. He goes, “so what is it that u do exactly at the construction company?” I tell him. He then segues into, “Have you ever been married or engaged?”
Um. Ok.
I respond then ask, “Why? Have you?”
He proceeds to go into explicit detail over a 20 minute timespan of how he & his ex bought a house, they were engaged, she cheated on him with one of his FEMALE friends, & how distraught he was…but “It was in 2007, and I’m over it now”. Um, really?? Because I don’t think you are! Not to mention the HUGE Date #1 NO-NO! Fellas, expanding into great detail about your ex is a big turnoff for a 1st date. Period.

Strike 5.


So we head back upstairs (because he was done dumping his relationship baggage on me and didn’t ask me ONE question about myself). The poetry was great! The wine was the flavorful! The people were friendly, I had fun! Time to go though. So he offers to walk me to my car. Amazed, I accept as it really is the most decent thing he has done all night.

However, normally when a man walks you to your car, they walk you to YOUR door, hug, may open the door for you, shut it, watch you drive off. Oh no, not Anonymous Adam. Anonymous Adam walks to the PASSENGER DOOR, enters my car & SITS DOWN! I bust out into laughter & say “OK! Am I taking YOU somewhere?!” He says, “Oh yeah, my car is just right around the corner”. Strike 6. He then directs me to “follow that car”, I quickly ask:

“where is the car going??”

Anonymous Adam: to my boy’s house around the corner

Me: Oh, so u just parked there & walked? [it was literally around the corner]

Anonymous Adam: oh no. I didn’t drive, I walked from the XYZ ["XYZ" is to replace the name of the neighborhood of which I live]

Me: [pause] ………You walked? From XYZ??

Anonymous Adam: yeah, I’m still dog-sitting for your neighbor [the friend/neighbor that vouched for this dude. The friend/neighbor that I’m gonna have a STERN talking to]

Me: So…………wait a minute. You walked PAST my condo, to The Wine Up. Why didn’t you just call me? We could’ve ridden together instead of me sitting at the bar waiting on you!

Sigh. Strike 7.

At this point, I’ve totally tuned out whatever he’s talking about & am talking to myself in my head & laughing. But somewhere when I was leaving my subconscious, I heard him say "because I don’t have a car…"

I looked at him. Then looked back at the road.

I didn’t even ask him to repeat himself. I don’t care at this point. Truthfully, I stopped caring at Strike 3.

I pull up to the driveway, give him a half hug (you know, the ones where you lean in sideways), said goodnight & drove home.

Testing

I'm writing this from my cell phone in an airport that's not my own
but I've slept, eaten, & even done my hair here because I've been here
all morning. This was only supposed to be a test to see if writing a
blog from my cell would work, then I thought...damn right this is a
test!

Im experiencing a test of patience! This is the 2nd time I've tried to
visit my siblings & nieces to no avail. The last occasion I sat in an
airport all afternoon into the evening. Today, I caught a 6:25 AM
flight to a city that I could possibly be stuck in. Seemingly, I'm not
going anywhere anytime soon. I was angry earlier but now it's comical.
As I sit here at my gate, I find myself trying to find a deeper
meaning: would something happen to me if I caught those earlier
flights? Am I meant to catch a later flight because something is
SUPPOSED to happen to me?? Probably not but I think the point is...I'm
being tested. Far too many times I take situations & believe I control
the outcome. Maybe this is God's way of saying "chill out. Have
patience. You'll get there when you're SUPPOSED to get there. You
don't control every situation so what are you upset about? Let it be. "

I'm learning patience at 28. Nice.

*Monique*

Sent from my iPhone

A new face, a new smile

One of the joys of being at the end of the soul train line (i.e. my 20s), is meeting the new influx of friends. We all have our High School BFFs and our college BFFs. But it is some of our "real world" BFFs that tend to undergo a facelift as we get older. The ones that didn't skip algebra class in middle school with you. The ones that weren't at your college stepshows with you. Like I said it's a joy but can also be terrifying! People come and go, especially as we age for some get families, some relocate...simply put: life just happens!
I've seen a new face. Potentially a face I had met years ago but only now have gotten to know. This new smile makes me smile, everyday in fact! It's nervewracking actually because I'm not sure if this new face is here to stay or just temporarily passing through. I'm not certain how long this new smile will light up my smile. I hope it lasts longer than those i met in my early 20s; perhaps it will last as long as my relationships with my closest High School friends? Who knows, but what I do know is that i'm enjoying peering slowly around the corner at my future, not entirely sure what I'll see. This new face makes me feel optimistic.

The Call

I just got a phone call from somebody that I used to have extreme feelings for, feelings that allowed me to lower my standards. No I'm not saying that this guy was beneath me, on the contrary, however every woman has a 'list of tolerances' she uses as a relationship measuring cup. She pours in small doses of indecisiveness, feelings of being unappreciated and most ladies add even a very small dose of infidelity. All I'll say is, among my list of tolerances was a behavior that placed his desires above mine.

If a woman's 'list of tolerances' isn't written, then it's definitely in our 'mental' scrolls. Every woman has a list. She knows what she will put up with, how much of it she'll put up with and who she will put up with, the minute she decides to open herself up to a man. For over a year, I hid my need to be in a "serious" relationship instead of coming forth with what I desired. This man was pretty adamant about his desire to not be "tied down", so you can imagine my shock when the phone rang.

He needed me. He was enthralled in a cruel love game his ex was playing with him, and didn't know how to deal with it. She was being inconsiderate of his time. She pretended to want to spend time with him, then blew him off (but only when it was convenient for her of course). Granted, I don't agree with what she did or is doing, but it makes me realize how much crap I am no longer willing to tolerate! I'm almost 30 and though "age is but a number", I find that my new list of tolerances is no longer anorexic. There are just more things that I no longer have the energy to thumb through. I listened to him vent on the phone & all I felt was pity. Pity that he can't see how the repetitive patterns in his life are stunting his growth. Thankfully with every birthday, I find some sort of inner reflection and relationship reflection.

The phone call today reminded me of how far I've come in my old age (that's a joke). I'm thankful that I'm wrapping up my 20s in a healthy way, recognizing my needs and desires, and not feeling afraid to stand by them.

PHILOSOPHIZING -- written 3/25/07

Last night (3/26/07) I had an interesting conversation with an NBA player. Someone in the flock of people around him mentioned "kids" or "being in a relationship", I don't really recall. From there, he and I went on & on about relationships.

You see, for years I've said that my generation doesn't know how to be married, and HE AGREED! We are an impatient, rambunctious bunch who likes expensive things and believe in "the bigger the better". The impatient side of us is where I related it to relationships. If he or she is not acting right....you don't fight to make it work, oh no! You find someone else. Why would u? There are plenty of fish in the sea, right? I never got that expression because....sure there's "plenty", but if you believe in The One, then what is the saying REALLY saying? I love The Cosby Show, but even Cliff & Claire had their differences.

Our parents & grandparents stuck it out and made it work. He (the NBA player) & I couldn't figure out if the option of divorce was available back then, but if so, it was extremely cliche. I think if my grandparents had the mindset of my friends, they wouldn't have lasted as long as they did.

So what's the point of it all, says my generation? Why go thru the heartache and foolishness? The disappointments and pain? To make us stronger?? hmmmm...

Herein lies the issue b/c I don't want to die without a life-partner ("life partner" b/c like i said, I'm not convinced my generation can do marriage. Perhaps I can do it Goldie-Hawn-Kurt-Russell style). I'm just not sure if he (The One) is out there. And this isn't a pity blog, please don't feel the need to send you're don't worry girl, he's out there, comments! Really. It was just a simple joy to hear -from a man- that he had the same views as I did.

Really, it's not that The One doesn't exist but will he be able to have the desire to accept me and put forth the effort to try? Will he understand that I am a loving person and i show it different ways? Will his heart be open to share his inner thoughts & feelings? Will his self-esteem be high enough to know hearsay is just hearsay-if we're together, then I'm his and vice versa? Will he have the faith necessary to trust me with his heart? As the basketball player and I decided, he/she may be out there but our generation doesn't have the desire to make it happen. We are all talk and no game.

And I dare not cast blame on others. I think I could've easily met The One before, but the timing was wrong or perhaps I had some growing up to do. That's real talk. I mean, hell, I'm a part of this generation too...Though I don't believe we've got it, I'd like to maintain optimism in thinking when I am ready to meet my life-partner, he'll be ready (& fully equipped) to play the game.

Where are the articles on CNN.com?

Everything I would click on, anything that remotely sparked my interest was a video. When did we stop reading? Perhaps I'm still a bit behind on the times but there is something refreshing about picking up a book and reading. Ok, let me not go too far as I am not referring to a novel simply an article on a website, or so I thought. It is almost as if to say we have pushed all literature (and the God-forsaken HANDWRITTEN literature), and replaced it with technology. Now, anyone who knows me KNOWS I love the excitement & capabilities technology brings. On one hand, I can journey through the donut land with Yoshi dodging enormous cannons and play in the clouds…and on the other hand I can completely organize myself to a "T", listen to all music ever made on a less-than-one-pound gadget while never missing a meeting. I am the girl that had CDs before a CD player. This is me. But some things are sacred to me. I read articles online because I don't subscribe to the Observer. I don't watch CNN b/c TV is my tool for escapism. But I do like to know what's going on, and I like reading articles to find out. So now you're telling me I'm forced to watch TV online? There wasn't even an option (I think that's what sparked this blog!). Offer me the article and the video please. Paper or plastic? Chocolate or vanilla? We live in a society of options. Nope, not on CNN.com. You know, my bosses call me the 'English major' because I'm the editor on most correspondence. I don't claim to know it all, not in the slightest. I just think that if you read you have a better grasp on how language flows, that's all. You may even learn a word or two (Like, "antidisestablishmentarianism"… opposing the belief that there shouldn't be an official church in a country…I think it's the 2nd largest word in the dictionary too!). Don't mind me though, I'm just a simple girl annoyed I couldn't read a stupid article on the influx of battered teachers. I mean, what if I was deaf? (ok, I'm stretching, but you get what I mean!?). I just fear that the 7th graders I used to teach (that were reading on a 5th grade level) are never going to get caught up, especially if we believe television and internet are the only forms of knowledge.

My 1st Gray Hair (Aug.20, '08)

As I was relinquishing myself of the requested hair that got me nowhere, I found a long gray one. I don't know if it pisses me off that it has arrived & will surely bring a posse of followers or that my birthday is around the corner. Which is more cruel? The jury is still out.

I find it incredibly fitting that I would discover this unwelcomed visitor just 5 days after the biggest disappointment of my life. Co-ink-idink? I think not.

I believe things happen in 3s. First teaching, then dance, now what? What could possibly be left? It seems like I'm forever asking what does it all mean? My ex said that perhaps God is saying let me handle it...I have something in store & I NEED YOU TO RELY ON ME. I think he's right. Perhaps I've been on cruise control, "handling" everything on my own like I've been raised to do and now God is like uh uh. No.

My iVerse for today is from Philippians 4:09 which supposedly reads: Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or see in me, put it into practice and the God of peace will be with you.

Co-ink-idink? I think not.

But it seems like everywhere I turn there are no answers. No emails have the answer. Phone calls don't have the answers. This gray hair definitely imparts no wisdom. I'm just left to chill with my own thoughts. Hooray.

Everyone tells me there is a bigger plan in store & I don't doubt it. I guess my gray hair & I will have to de-stress & leave it up to God.

Hi, I'm Just thinking...

Every once in a while, I have these introverted moments where all I feel like doing is writing. I plan on using this blog to document my thoughts (instead of myspace) to keep track of my ideas and feelings on...whatever. I dare not cheat on my diary however, this blog will be in conjunction with my 10 year relationship with "journaling" ;)

I'm writing tonight because this weekend has forced me to rethink some things. I'm just not sure if what I thought was real, is actually real. I'm just not sure if what I believed you were saying, is actually what you said. I'm just not sure if what i'm experiencing is supposed to teach me something. I get that i'm not supposed to know it all, but can I at least get a hint or the cliffnotes?

A lot has happened and i'm still learning and growing. I have a year before I enter a different age bracket and I anticipate a change. Not sure what that change is supposed to look like, but i'm... cautiously eager. I'll do my best to keep up with this blog and detail my thoughts & realizations over the year or so... Perhaps we can learn something together!