I emailed J (a nickname I gave her in college) and explained my latest situation and asked her if it made sense to her. She reassured me that I was sane afterall (whew!) & offered her tidbits of thoughts around the whole thing. I ended the email thread thanking her, thinking that would've been the end of the conversation. She wrote back telling me that she hated that I have to be in the situation I'm in & then said, "You meet a guy, he seems GREAT but he has baggage. You meet a guy, he seems unbearable and annoying, so of course you can’t get rid of 'em." I responded, "And with that, you’ve inspired a blog that I shall write later..."
So here I am. I'm not going to lie... I planned on writing about how unfortunate my adult dating life has been & how I can't catch a break for anything. I was going to go into vague detail (haha) about being willing to love a man but he "has baggage," as J put it. Or about how I'm constantly having to shoo the other men -the ones I'm not interested in- away. I planned on whipping out my violin, complaining about how "they never get it 'til you're gone" & singing "woe is me"! Now that I sit at my desk ready to write it, I just don't think it's appropriate anymore...
Only because woe is not me! Woe is defined as grievous distress, affliction, or trouble, an exclamation of grief or lamentation. Sure I've had unfortunate luck in the dating world but is it truly woeful? Perhaps. Let's see:
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost two and a half years... Prior to that, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years. I've been on a date when it was apparently okay to practically admit to still being inlove with your homosexual exgirlfriend, while smoking a joint in a restaurant... I've been lied to repetitively by so-called guys who "cared" for me, yet could only show it behind more empty lies & closed doors... Some guys placed the importance of themselves over my well-being... Some flat out wanted to play games... Some refused to commit... Some didn't want their lack of commitment to be common knowledge... Some were lacadaisical... Some were physically violent... and my latest earth shaker, one that just isn't ready (emotionally) to fully give 100%.
Yes, it sucks, but life could be worse.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about death, more specifically "Slick", Ricky & a colleague at work. One of my best friends Katie, has blogged many times about her dealing with Slick's passing. Although a friend of mine as well, I've grown to learn far more about him in reading her latest blog(s). I think about how much Katie went through & how much of that I will never know. And that hurts my heart.
I think about my friend Ricky Childers, who passed almost a year ago. He had a vivacious way of living, one I've only seen rarely. I remember our last conversation, I think about all the things I'd love to tell him & how I wish I had more time with him. He drowned in the Caribbean while on vacation with his family, so I'm trying to decide if my recent flood of thoughts of him are due in fact that I'm leaving for a vacation in Mexico next week or because the anniversary of his death is coming. I'm not sure but I think of him everyday now.
I think about my colleague at work who has less than 2 months to live. When I was hired almost 4 years ago, she & I connected rather quickly due to our ability to speak French. She has been battling a rare type of lung cancer that is prone to those that are passive smokers. In other words, they don't smoke themselves but have contracted this lung cancer through second-hand smoke. How tragic to be dying from something you couldn't prevent, something not of your own doing! It breaks my heart. Especially because of her strong will to live and humongous heart. Now her daughter is beginning college this week, knowing that her mother could be passing at any minute.
Yet... I want to bitch about how the stars aren't aligning correctly in my dating life?
There's far more to life than a date on Friday night. DISCLAIMER: I am Not demoting my current guy to being just a bed-warmer or a movie date by any means...but surely there's more to complain about in life, right? There are starving children in the world, wars, judicial injustices, unexpected deaths, to name a few. There's far more to life than my measely problems really. So, I'm not going to blog about how miserable I am not seeing him everyday but be grateful that I have sight at all. In the meantime, I won't deny that I'm unhappy, frightened, anxious & sad because I do believe that emotions shouldn't be kept hidden if you're truly in them. But what I won't do, is continue to bury myself in this state of self-pity.
Yes, it sucks, but life could be worse.
