No Stress, Just Success

The day finally came for me to spend the 10 days in Miami for research & audition purposes. I had planned to arrive 2 days before the audition day, and remain for the week after, should I progress to the Boot Camp round of the audition process. When I was leaving Charlotte, Zin took me to the airport and once noticing the apprehension & nervousness in my face before kissing me goodbye, he looked at me and said, "No stress, just success?" Which I repeated with confirmation, "no stress, just success."



However, that day of traveling had events of it's own that created little stresses here and there, like the kicking & crying toddlers behind me, and my absentmindedness causing me to rush out of a stinky bathroom without my very expensive, very gorgeous head shots required for auditions. I somehow managed to remain very calm and stress-free for the most part.



Auditioning for the Miami Heat is an experience that I would recommend to all of my past teammates and dancer friends. Nearly 400 girls were in attendance and the energy was at an unknown high the minute you arrived at the American Airlines Arena. The outfits were outrageous, the talent was tantamount to watching the So You Think You Can Dance audition episodes... just with more of a hip hop and Latin flavor. I felt comfortable yet excited and eager to begin.


So we did. They began with a video montage of the prior year's squad, then immediately into a freestyle cut. Then we learned a hip hop routine taught by the Heat's director, and a Jazz routine taught by prior MHD member and So You Think You Can Dance finalist, Susie.



I've never struggled with learning choreography and I didn't struggle with it at the Heat audition. I did feel slightly overwhelmed however, by the amount of talent surrounding me that the old stand next to someone worse than you rule, couldn't come into play. At all. I did my best, I danced hard but didn't advance into the next round.



Surprisingly, I was fine with it and was uber proud that I made it past one round! I had spent so much energy considering the possibility of not making the team and worrying about what it would do to my ego, that it never crossed my mind that I could be okay. And I was. Some of that in part has to do with a conversation I had with Zin actually, when he painted a different variation of the process to me & reminded me that I'm no less of a dancer for not making this squad. Especially after having been out of the game for 2 years now.



Truth.

The rest of my remaining days in Miami was focused on job follow-ups and spending time with family and friends and I have to be honest... a lot of self-realization occurred.

I realized that my lack of closure with my hometown may have already been reconciled, unbeknownst to me. I love Miami -I always will- but that joie de vivre I referenced wasn't there this time around. I learned throughout the week that I might have been holding on to what it used to be, not what it had become: an empty box of old memories.

Not all of my family still lives there... my childhood best friend has a life (and a lifestyle) of her own now... the life dynamic has changed... things are different overall. I wondered, is this where I want to be?

Turning 30 is a bitch. It definitely does something to the psyche whether you admit to it or not. I do believe however that we as a society tend to put these deadlines on ourselves & associate them with age, which is unfair as every person's lives and goals differ. But you just can't help thinking about what you may want for yourself when 30 comes around. At least, that's my explanation.

So I have some serious pontification ahead but hey - "no stress, just success."I stand now in limbo of whether or not a plan to relocate to the Sunshine State is what's best for me... or if it's what I truly desire anymore. And that's okay. Perhaps I've ripped out that chapter and am beginning to write a newly revised one for myself now...

The Big "Little" Moments

About a week & a half ago, a friend that I became acquainted with through a mutual friend in 2005, wanted to host an intimate dinner at her house in my honor. This plan of mine to relocate is suddenly becoming a real plan to most, so she wanted to capitalize on the free time I have now versus in a month when hopefully things will fast forward a bit. The list of attendees would be herself of course (her name is Annette) and two of my closest friends & past teammates, Ana & Kelli.

I arrived first surprisingly, but even more of a surprise was that Ana was the last to arrive, when Kelli's past history would've undoubtedly placed her last! As Kelli walked in, she toted a huge, yellow gift bag but me being more interested in her arrival, I didn't open it at the time.


Annette is the perfect hostess. Prior to being engrossed in my relocation plans, she & I would meet every Wednesday night for a "Girl's night"; We would catch up on each other's lives, maybe gossip and she always had something prepared to eat & something fabulous to drink. Last night it was grilled Jerk Chicken, plantains, rice & beans, patties (all very Jamaican) with gigantic margaritas! Needless to say, we all had a wonderful evening...


...And certainly, there were the little moments that I won't forget about my evening with "The Fabulous 4". My friend Katie has blogged many times about creating "mental snapshots". She writes:


I wish other people could feel moments the way I feel them. The way I capture a moment – an expression mid-sentence, eyes squinted in a laugh, a sideways look, a small achievement or a defining instant, an overall setting – whether it’s intense and intimate or casual and breezy. Maybe others do and just don’t share them out loud. I don’t know what triggers me to take mental snapshots of my surroundings at any given time. I know that I do this most often when my friends are laughing.


Last night, I finally got that. Not insinuating that I go through life forgetting moments, & facial expressions of excitement or discontent, but last night created a new folder in my mental hard drive. I did just as Katie expressed and took mental snapshots while they laughed, among other moments throughout the evening. Even right now I can vividly see an expression Ana made shortly after arriving that told me that she was a little sad inside. I can vividly see the serene pleasure and happiness Annette was feeling, while watching Ana give one of her many hilarious snippets. I can vividly see the quick moments of eye contact between Kelli and I, when only brief words are exchanged because our eyes understand the very thoughts that we're thinking. Every laugh, every smile, every half smile and pout are still so clear to me...I think I have mastered this "mental snapshot" Katie refers to so frequently.

Leaving Annette's house, I felt loved and happy. I felt somewhat emotional and ever so thankful to call those 3 my friends. I recollected on the memories I have with those girls & smiled as I drove home. I replayed the evening in my head & realized that some of those memories we laughed about, I had forgotten until then, simply due to the passing of time. Even though I know it's expected for people to occasionally forget details over time, I hung on to every word last night and did my best to create those mental snapshots, as an attempt to keep them close to me.

When I got home, I opened the big yellow gift bag that Kelli brought me. Earlier, she had hinted that the real treat would be the front of the gift, surely to make me smile. So when I reached inside the bag, I pulled out a large National Geographic book; the cover was a picture of a gray kitten, sitting ever so curiously beside a pair of ballerina legs, gazing up. I immediately felt the emotion coming over me. At the bottom of the bag was a card. The card said it all but then she wrote about how much she cherishes me as a friend, how she misses me already but that she gets it now.

And she does. They all get it now.

I held back my tears. Why? I'm not sure. I think because I know that there will be the days for tears, but last night wouldn't be it. My night with The Fabulous 4 was exactly what I needed & although I can't even begin to express how much I will miss those girls, I cannot help but smile.

Losing Sleep Over the Future...Part II

It's back.

Evenings of feeling sleepy but not getting much sleep at all. Since my last experience with insomnia, I've done relatively well with maintaining a [somewhat decent] sleep pattern but recently, I believe it's back because I have so much on my mind. Again.

Not that it's a surprise really. Next weekend I am auditioning for what myself & others would profess to be the zenith of all NBA dance teams, and I feel somewhat ready. I don't know what to expect which is why I can't say that I feel totally ready. Which is one of the reasons why I can't sleep.

Another obvious reason would be the evident relocation that is ever so lingering. It dances before my eyes, taunting me with everything I do. I get in my car everyday, and all I see are Ivy's electrical issues that need to get fixed before she gets towed to Florida. I go to work, and all I see are the items around my desk that I'll soon need to pack or the 3rd conversation I'll need to have with my boss. I return home in the evenings, and I see boxes and ideas for what should be packed & how. Then I get overwhelmed by everything that has to get done...except, I don't know by when. I've learned a lot about myself over the years but in regards to the relocation, I've noticed that as I approach 30:

• I like order


• I like calendars


• I like consistency


• I like to have a plan

My life currently:

• lacks order


• I'm well aware of dates/upcoming deadlines


• I'm in a consistent routine majority of the time but


• I lack a definite plan*

*I thought I had a plan, but then reality set in and I've realized that my plan may need to be tentative for now, and that's ok.


Most of the time, I feel like I have to focus on one thing at a time in order to achieve anything but having been dubbed as "the Queen of Multitasking" at the office, this is so frustrating for me!

I know one thing: something's gotta give. I'm not sleeping well and I don't foresee it getting any better before the big audition day. Somehow I need to find a way to clear my mind & not worry so much, however I should also add that another thing I'm learning about myself is my dislike of the unknown. If we're dating, I don't like not knowing if we're exclusive or not because I function better with guidelines. If I'm going to a function, I don't like not knowing what the attire is for fear of being the oddly dressed guest. If I'm going to pick up and leave my house & loved ones behind, I don't like not knowing if I have a job lined up (a day job &/or my dream dance job), or what my living arrangements are going to look like in reality. Maybe at 22 I wouldn't mind at all but at 29? Not so much.

But yet I am so determined to make my dream, my goal a reality...

So... I guess I won't be sleeping well again tonight.

In due time...

Since the recent "bad news", I decided to truly make my actions speak volumes by not dwelling on the negativity. In turn, I've had some recent "good news", one being that I get to keep my job here in Charlotte and another being that I'm having increased showings of my place. Things are (slowly but surely) looking up...


Now I'm sitting at my desk having said goodbye to a fellow colleague & friend who, on "Layoff Thursday", was saying adieu to begin a new life in Raleigh, NC. She has accepted a new position with a new company there & I couldn't be happier for her. So I sit here, grateful for not being laid off (not yet, anyway. It's only 3:26pm) but anxious for Miami to bring me similar luck that Raleigh has brought my dear colleague.



Just as I start to feel a bit too anxious, I reflect on an inspiring conversation I had with recent author and a prior coach of mine last week. After telling her via email that the plan was in definite motion, she requested that I called her to discuss my upcoming relocation. As I scrolled through my contacts I have to admit that I had butterflies in my esophagus, stomach, uterus, patella, you name it. I was about to call a strong, well-respected woman that I truly admire as a dancer & as a mentor! Granted, when she was "just my coach" she was intimidating, harsh and sometimes relentless but in retrospect, she is one of the reasons why I enjoyed dancing in the NBA and had difficulty enjoying it after she left. She just....knows. She gets it. She gets me. She understands me and my aspirations as a dancer. She helped mold me into the dancer I am today. Damn right I had butterflies.


When she answered on the other end, she sounded disgustingly happy. You know when people sound genuinely happy from within their core? That's exactly how she sounded even with her infant daughter exclaiming something in the background. She asked me general questions about The Move, like: When are you going? Do you have a job down there? Will you be auditioning for the Heat? If you're thinking about it, have you gone to any pre-audition clinics? Things of that nature. She serenely offered her advice and well-needed words of wisdom before saying one last thing to me:


"Monique, I want you to relax. I know that you're probably tackling everything all at once and I think it's very important to take one day at a time." In other words, do not exhaust yourself.


I immediately felt like crying. For months I have been trying to accomplish everything, all at once, so having received last week's "bad news", I felt a huge setback quite honestly. So I needed to hear what she had to say, and at that moment. I needed her to tell me to stop trying to juggle all these balls while blind-folded on a unicycle. And with what I've been feeling lately, I needed someone to tell me to sit back, do what needed to be done at the moment, but don't necessarily think everything had to be dealt with simultaneously. I tend to be an "all or nothing" type of gal, and she knew that about me. She knew she needed to speak with me now that I've made up my mind, so that she can essentially tell me to chill out.

I can only hope that I do her proud.

In the meantime, I will continue to trek along this self-imposed goal but employ patience knowing that it's okay to tackle one thing at a time.