Evenings of feeling sleepy but not getting much sleep at all. Since my last experience with insomnia, I've done relatively well with maintaining a [somewhat decent] sleep pattern but recently, I believe it's back because I have so much on my mind. Again.
Not that it's a surprise really. Next weekend I am auditioning for what myself & others would profess to be the zenith of all NBA dance teams, and I feel somewhat ready. I don't know what to expect which is why I can't say that I feel totally ready. Which is one of the reasons why I can't sleep.
Another obvious reason would be the evident relocation that is ever so lingering. It dances before my eyes, taunting me with everything I do. I get in my car everyday, and all I see are Ivy's electrical issues that need to get fixed before she gets towed to Florida. I go to work, and all I see are the items around my desk that I'll soon need to pack or the 3rd conversation I'll need to have with my boss. I return home in the evenings, and I see boxes and ideas for what should be packed & how. Then I get overwhelmed by everything that has to get done...except, I don't know by when. I've learned a lot about myself over the years but in regards to the relocation, I've noticed that as I approach 30:
- I like order
- I like calendars
- I like consistency
- I like to have a plan
My life currently:
- lacks order
- I'm well aware of dates/upcoming deadlines
- I'm in a consistent routine majority of the time but
- I lack a definite plan*
Most of the time, I feel like I have to focus on one thing at a time in order to achieve anything but having been dubbed as "the Queen of Multitasking" at the office, this is so frustrating for me!
I know one thing: something's gotta give. I'm not sleeping well and I don't foresee it getting any better before the big audition day. Somehow I need to find a way to clear my mind & not worry so much, however I should also add that another thing I'm learning about myself is my dislike of the unknown. If we're dating, I don't like not knowing if we're exclusive or not because I function better with guidelines. If I'm going to a function, I don't like not knowing what the attire is for fear of being the oddly dressed guest. If I'm going to pick up and leave my house & loved ones behind, I don't like not knowing if I have a job lined up (a day job &/or my dream dance job), or what my living arrangements are going to look like in reality. Maybe at 22 I wouldn't mind at all but at 29? Not so much.
But yet I am so determined to make my dream, my goal a reality...
So... I guess I won't be sleeping well again tonight.
Monique, the best advice I have is to pray about it and tell yourself that it is in God's hands. What makes what you are doing so brave is that it is a gamble. If it was secure then everyone would do it. You are taking a chance. I admire you.
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