Le Fin

That's it. No more blogging from me.

For those of you that have been reading habitually, I sincerely thank you.

I'm not wrapping this up today because I feel like I've sufficiently learned the lessons of my 20s; I feel like I'm still analyzing them, assessing the problems & moving forward. I've just decided that I don't need the blog anymore. I have a diary. I've kept one since I moved back to this country in 1989. A lot of my personal growth needs not be neglected from my diary & needs not be documented on the World Wide Web, quite frankly. So I bid you adieu, Blogger. Thank you for getting me to this point.

*M*

You say "prank," I say "joke"

I'm not going to title this "End of a Relationship pt. III" even though it is.

I was told today to stop referring to my untimely dating issues as "jokes". Though I agree that there isn't one thing remotely humorous about aaaaanything I've been dealing with, is it still unfair to refer to the unfortunate instances as a joke? Perhaps the correct term is a "practical joke"? It really is unhumorously funny when I think about how timing can be so incredibly wrong for one person, but seemingly on-time for the other person. Surely it's not a gut-aching, hysterically funny joke at all...more like a prank gone wrong.

And such a cruel joke right before the holidays? Man, that's such a prank gone wrong.

But such is life really, right? Life (or God) has a quirky sense of humor I've learned. These jokes are really lessons &/or experiences that we should learn from or use them to grow. I don't know though, maybe they are jokes. Jokes that we're supposed to laugh at and not take too seriously. Perhaps the point of life: Not to take it too seriously. Everything after all is fleeting. We all have bad experiences so maybe the point is to laugh it off, wipe the tears off your face & keep it moving. I don't know though. I honestly don't know. Just trying to figure out why the joke is on me a lot these days...

Fun times ahead!

Being 30 is fun!

I mean, not really but there is something light & airy about it. I'm becoming more in tune with what I want out of life, I'm starting to figure out ways to achieve my goals, I'm thinking more long term. But there is also something else that happens, it's weird. I've almost gained this "I don't give a fuck" attitude about some things & a "meh" feeling towards some people, as if to say I just don't care, but in a positive way! It's wonderful actually!

I'm sloooowly learning to let things roll off my back & not to take some things to heart. I'm learning to be truly okay in my skin. I'm understanding that every person's story is a different one & sometimes I'm only privy to their first few chapters. And you know what? That's okay too.

30 really is fun in its own way. I was in my car with 3 other girlfriends recently, discussing a topic sexual in nature. One of the girls was 24 & said something like, "Monique! You can't say that!!!" And I naturally & confidently responded, "I'm 30 years old, I can say whatever I want!" Which is so true! I am now that older cousin I used to look up to, in all her glamour with her carefree lifestyle! I am her! I can literally... within reason... do as I please. And it feels good!

The End of a Relationship pt.II

I can't believe November is here! It's almost a new year & with the pending arrival of 2011, reflection always floats around in my mind sporadically.

I was on Facebook the other day & though I don't always pay attention to the News Feed, I noticed one from a "friend" who posted a video of her son. I watched the video mainly because I haven't seen him in a while. Well in the background was another child, a baby girl, in one of those bouncy chairs. "She gave birth already??" I thought. And not because she didn't tell me, but because he didn't tell me.

I'm not going to name him on this post & because I don't have a nickname for him, he really should remain nameless. But we'll call him...Steve.

Steve & I used to be very close for 11 years. He was there for me through many heartaches & I for him. He was sort of like that friend you can be blunt with, call him an asshole (& mean it) but still talk the  next day like nothing happened. Or if we hadn't spoken in a few months, speaking again was never difficult because we simply picked up where we left off.

Despite how things ended last year, having seen the Facebook feed, I sent him an email to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter & wished him well. He responded indicating that she had been born months ago & wished me the same. Ouch.

Although I can honestly state that I did nothing to cause the demise of our relationship, it still hurts me to my core. The fact that Steve and I are purposely drifting apart, breaks my heart. Very much like my relationship with my sister.

I'm constantly -mentally- battling with these two people which is a huge stressor to add to my brain, on top of already having to battle with my habitual issues of resentment towards my father. But between Steve & my sister, I feel like I'm repetitively torn between doing "the right thing" and standing my ground (some call it being stubborn, I prefer to say 'standing my ground', wink wink). I can't count how many times I pick up my phone, prepared to call & deliver my opening line or two, but only to put the phone back in my purse. I guess I truly thought that we'd all be over it by now; perhaps the scar is deeper than I believe it should be. To me, life is greater than petty arguments & text-messaged misunderstandings. The fact that 2011 is almost here & we've spent 2010 not speaking...really, really hurts my heart. The fact that 2011 is almost here & it seems like nothing between us will get better next year, well... there are no words to describe how that realization makes me feel. Looks like I just need to accept that this is truly the end of our relationships, or at least accept it's the end of how they used to be.
Control + alt + delete.