PHILOSOPHIZING -- written 3/25/07

Last night (3/26/07) I had an interesting conversation with an NBA player. Someone in the flock of people around him mentioned "kids" or "being in a relationship", I don't really recall. From there, he and I went on & on about relationships.

You see, for years I've said that my generation doesn't know how to be married, and HE AGREED! We are an impatient, rambunctious bunch who likes expensive things and believe in "the bigger the better". The impatient side of us is where I related it to relationships. If he or she is not acting right....you don't fight to make it work, oh no! You find someone else. Why would u? There are plenty of fish in the sea, right? I never got that expression because....sure there's "plenty", but if you believe in The One, then what is the saying REALLY saying? I love The Cosby Show, but even Cliff & Claire had their differences.

Our parents & grandparents stuck it out and made it work. He (the NBA player) & I couldn't figure out if the option of divorce was available back then, but if so, it was extremely cliche. I think if my grandparents had the mindset of my friends, they wouldn't have lasted as long as they did.

So what's the point of it all, says my generation? Why go thru the heartache and foolishness? The disappointments and pain? To make us stronger?? hmmmm...

Herein lies the issue b/c I don't want to die without a life-partner ("life partner" b/c like i said, I'm not convinced my generation can do marriage. Perhaps I can do it Goldie-Hawn-Kurt-Russell style). I'm just not sure if he (The One) is out there. And this isn't a pity blog, please don't feel the need to send you're don't worry girl, he's out there, comments! Really. It was just a simple joy to hear -from a man- that he had the same views as I did.

Really, it's not that The One doesn't exist but will he be able to have the desire to accept me and put forth the effort to try? Will he understand that I am a loving person and i show it different ways? Will his heart be open to share his inner thoughts & feelings? Will his self-esteem be high enough to know hearsay is just hearsay-if we're together, then I'm his and vice versa? Will he have the faith necessary to trust me with his heart? As the basketball player and I decided, he/she may be out there but our generation doesn't have the desire to make it happen. We are all talk and no game.

And I dare not cast blame on others. I think I could've easily met The One before, but the timing was wrong or perhaps I had some growing up to do. That's real talk. I mean, hell, I'm a part of this generation too...Though I don't believe we've got it, I'd like to maintain optimism in thinking when I am ready to meet my life-partner, he'll be ready (& fully equipped) to play the game.

Where are the articles on CNN.com?

Everything I would click on, anything that remotely sparked my interest was a video. When did we stop reading? Perhaps I'm still a bit behind on the times but there is something refreshing about picking up a book and reading. Ok, let me not go too far as I am not referring to a novel simply an article on a website, or so I thought. It is almost as if to say we have pushed all literature (and the God-forsaken HANDWRITTEN literature), and replaced it with technology. Now, anyone who knows me KNOWS I love the excitement & capabilities technology brings. On one hand, I can journey through the donut land with Yoshi dodging enormous cannons and play in the clouds…and on the other hand I can completely organize myself to a "T", listen to all music ever made on a less-than-one-pound gadget while never missing a meeting. I am the girl that had CDs before a CD player. This is me. But some things are sacred to me. I read articles online because I don't subscribe to the Observer. I don't watch CNN b/c TV is my tool for escapism. But I do like to know what's going on, and I like reading articles to find out. So now you're telling me I'm forced to watch TV online? There wasn't even an option (I think that's what sparked this blog!). Offer me the article and the video please. Paper or plastic? Chocolate or vanilla? We live in a society of options. Nope, not on CNN.com. You know, my bosses call me the 'English major' because I'm the editor on most correspondence. I don't claim to know it all, not in the slightest. I just think that if you read you have a better grasp on how language flows, that's all. You may even learn a word or two (Like, "antidisestablishmentarianism"… opposing the belief that there shouldn't be an official church in a country…I think it's the 2nd largest word in the dictionary too!). Don't mind me though, I'm just a simple girl annoyed I couldn't read a stupid article on the influx of battered teachers. I mean, what if I was deaf? (ok, I'm stretching, but you get what I mean!?). I just fear that the 7th graders I used to teach (that were reading on a 5th grade level) are never going to get caught up, especially if we believe television and internet are the only forms of knowledge.

My 1st Gray Hair (Aug.20, '08)

As I was relinquishing myself of the requested hair that got me nowhere, I found a long gray one. I don't know if it pisses me off that it has arrived & will surely bring a posse of followers or that my birthday is around the corner. Which is more cruel? The jury is still out.

I find it incredibly fitting that I would discover this unwelcomed visitor just 5 days after the biggest disappointment of my life. Co-ink-idink? I think not.

I believe things happen in 3s. First teaching, then dance, now what? What could possibly be left? It seems like I'm forever asking what does it all mean? My ex said that perhaps God is saying let me handle it...I have something in store & I NEED YOU TO RELY ON ME. I think he's right. Perhaps I've been on cruise control, "handling" everything on my own like I've been raised to do and now God is like uh uh. No.

My iVerse for today is from Philippians 4:09 which supposedly reads: Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or see in me, put it into practice and the God of peace will be with you.

Co-ink-idink? I think not.

But it seems like everywhere I turn there are no answers. No emails have the answer. Phone calls don't have the answers. This gray hair definitely imparts no wisdom. I'm just left to chill with my own thoughts. Hooray.

Everyone tells me there is a bigger plan in store & I don't doubt it. I guess my gray hair & I will have to de-stress & leave it up to God.

Hi, I'm Just thinking...

Every once in a while, I have these introverted moments where all I feel like doing is writing. I plan on using this blog to document my thoughts (instead of myspace) to keep track of my ideas and feelings on...whatever. I dare not cheat on my diary however, this blog will be in conjunction with my 10 year relationship with "journaling" ;)

I'm writing tonight because this weekend has forced me to rethink some things. I'm just not sure if what I thought was real, is actually real. I'm just not sure if what I believed you were saying, is actually what you said. I'm just not sure if what i'm experiencing is supposed to teach me something. I get that i'm not supposed to know it all, but can I at least get a hint or the cliffnotes?

A lot has happened and i'm still learning and growing. I have a year before I enter a different age bracket and I anticipate a change. Not sure what that change is supposed to look like, but i'm... cautiously eager. I'll do my best to keep up with this blog and detail my thoughts & realizations over the year or so... Perhaps we can learn something together!