Le Fin

That's it. No more blogging from me.

For those of you that have been reading habitually, I sincerely thank you.

I'm not wrapping this up today because I feel like I've sufficiently learned the lessons of my 20s; I feel like I'm still analyzing them, assessing the problems & moving forward. I've just decided that I don't need the blog anymore. I have a diary. I've kept one since I moved back to this country in 1989. A lot of my personal growth needs not be neglected from my diary & needs not be documented on the World Wide Web, quite frankly. So I bid you adieu, Blogger. Thank you for getting me to this point.

*M*

You say "prank," I say "joke"

I'm not going to title this "End of a Relationship pt. III" even though it is.

I was told today to stop referring to my untimely dating issues as "jokes". Though I agree that there isn't one thing remotely humorous about aaaaanything I've been dealing with, is it still unfair to refer to the unfortunate instances as a joke? Perhaps the correct term is a "practical joke"? It really is unhumorously funny when I think about how timing can be so incredibly wrong for one person, but seemingly on-time for the other person. Surely it's not a gut-aching, hysterically funny joke at all...more like a prank gone wrong.

And such a cruel joke right before the holidays? Man, that's such a prank gone wrong.

But such is life really, right? Life (or God) has a quirky sense of humor I've learned. These jokes are really lessons &/or experiences that we should learn from or use them to grow. I don't know though, maybe they are jokes. Jokes that we're supposed to laugh at and not take too seriously. Perhaps the point of life: Not to take it too seriously. Everything after all is fleeting. We all have bad experiences so maybe the point is to laugh it off, wipe the tears off your face & keep it moving. I don't know though. I honestly don't know. Just trying to figure out why the joke is on me a lot these days...

Fun times ahead!

Being 30 is fun!

I mean, not really but there is something light & airy about it. I'm becoming more in tune with what I want out of life, I'm starting to figure out ways to achieve my goals, I'm thinking more long term. But there is also something else that happens, it's weird. I've almost gained this "I don't give a fuck" attitude about some things & a "meh" feeling towards some people, as if to say I just don't care, but in a positive way! It's wonderful actually!

I'm sloooowly learning to let things roll off my back & not to take some things to heart. I'm learning to be truly okay in my skin. I'm understanding that every person's story is a different one & sometimes I'm only privy to their first few chapters. And you know what? That's okay too.

30 really is fun in its own way. I was in my car with 3 other girlfriends recently, discussing a topic sexual in nature. One of the girls was 24 & said something like, "Monique! You can't say that!!!" And I naturally & confidently responded, "I'm 30 years old, I can say whatever I want!" Which is so true! I am now that older cousin I used to look up to, in all her glamour with her carefree lifestyle! I am her! I can literally... within reason... do as I please. And it feels good!

The End of a Relationship pt.II

I can't believe November is here! It's almost a new year & with the pending arrival of 2011, reflection always floats around in my mind sporadically.

I was on Facebook the other day & though I don't always pay attention to the News Feed, I noticed one from a "friend" who posted a video of her son. I watched the video mainly because I haven't seen him in a while. Well in the background was another child, a baby girl, in one of those bouncy chairs. "She gave birth already??" I thought. And not because she didn't tell me, but because he didn't tell me.

I'm not going to name him on this post & because I don't have a nickname for him, he really should remain nameless. But we'll call him...Steve.

Steve & I used to be very close for 11 years. He was there for me through many heartaches & I for him. He was sort of like that friend you can be blunt with, call him an asshole (& mean it) but still talk the  next day like nothing happened. Or if we hadn't spoken in a few months, speaking again was never difficult because we simply picked up where we left off.

Despite how things ended last year, having seen the Facebook feed, I sent him an email to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter & wished him well. He responded indicating that she had been born months ago & wished me the same. Ouch.

Although I can honestly state that I did nothing to cause the demise of our relationship, it still hurts me to my core. The fact that Steve and I are purposely drifting apart, breaks my heart. Very much like my relationship with my sister.

I'm constantly -mentally- battling with these two people which is a huge stressor to add to my brain, on top of already having to battle with my habitual issues of resentment towards my father. But between Steve & my sister, I feel like I'm repetitively torn between doing "the right thing" and standing my ground (some call it being stubborn, I prefer to say 'standing my ground', wink wink). I can't count how many times I pick up my phone, prepared to call & deliver my opening line or two, but only to put the phone back in my purse. I guess I truly thought that we'd all be over it by now; perhaps the scar is deeper than I believe it should be. To me, life is greater than petty arguments & text-messaged misunderstandings. The fact that 2011 is almost here & we've spent 2010 not speaking...really, really hurts my heart. The fact that 2011 is almost here & it seems like nothing between us will get better next year, well... there are no words to describe how that realization makes me feel. Looks like I just need to accept that this is truly the end of our relationships, or at least accept it's the end of how they used to be.
Control + alt + delete.

The world keeps spinning. A paragraphed list of things I know & remember...

A year ago today, around 2am,  I was sleeping when my iPhone rang. I remember slowly emerging from my Stage 4 sleep...contemplating not answering the phone because "It's a Thursday. I have work tomorrow dammit"...then thinking "what if something's wrong? Maybe Ana needs a ride home or something happened with Kelli" (I thought about Ana & Kelli because we've been known in the past to go out on a weeknight, so I assumed a 2am call from one of them wouldn't be a total shocker). I picked up my phone & vaguely made out a picture of Alexis in her Halloween costume; the picture I chose for her caller ID.

Somewhat confused, I hesitantly answered, "Hey honey, how are you? Are you ok?"
"No. Ricky's dead" she said.

I remember immediately sitting up in bed. I remember feeling awake simultaneously, no more cloudiness. I remember saying "What?", honestly wondering if I heard her correctly. I remember her crying & saying that he drowned & that she couldn't get in touch with Ana. I remember thinking I had to speak to the boys & I had to speak to Ana as soon as possible.

So Alexis & I got off the phone & I did just that. I called Ana, but it went to voicemail. I thought to call Damu but I decided to call Briscoe first, because I figured Damu already knew. It's funny that I remember thinking all of this. After that, I called Ana & she answered, bawling. Her words were slurred behind her tears & she was completely incoherent...which means she knew.

I don't remember much after that. I know I laid there & cried. I know that it didn't feel real. I know that when I woke up, I couldn't wake up, so I emailed my boss & said that I'd be late to work. I know that I couldn't focus at work that day & I left early. I know I was in shock.

There are a lot of things I don't know though. I don't know when it was that Ricky & I became close. I think it happened naturally: One day we were being introduced, the next day we were talking about goals & where we saw ourselves in 5 years. I admit there is a lot I don't know about him but the things I do know, I miss. Even a year later.

There isn't anyone in the world -or in heaven- like Ricky. He just had this way of living that seemed so laissez-faire, yet everything he did, every move he made was calculated. He was very smart, very opinionated, very driven & very spontaneous. You could talk to him about anything, from parties to politics. What I love most about Ricky is that you just couldn't be in a bad mood around him. It was literally impossible. Impossible.

I don't think about him everyday anymore, it comes & goes. Nowadays, I smile when Gucci Mane's "Wasted" comes on, instead of cry. I look back on the pictures that I refuse to delete & I smile. I remember my 29th birthday & I can see him smiling at me, so I smile. That's what he would've wanted anyway, right?

I'm aware that the world keeps spinning & life goes on when people die. I know this. We all know this. But Ricky, it just...amazes me that a year has already passed without you here. You are truly missed.

"Life is Short. Stay awake for it"

Apparently that's the motto for the coffee shop chain, Caribou Coffee. I don't frequent there much; I tend to be an avid Starbucks supporter but while killing time before a meeting yesterday, Caribou Coffee was the only nearby option.

I walked in & it had the typical air of a coffee shop: the easy-listening music was playing, available couches & tables, even a fireplace. I had 30 minutes to kill so I ordered a cookie & grabbed 2 napkins. Normally, a napkin is a napkin but these had some sentences printed on them. One napkin read, "What do you stay awake for?" and the other read "Yet another thing to stay awake for: write a really, really short novel." The second napkin was a cute idea, so I tucked it away inside my purse but the first one made me wonder, "What DO I stay awake for? What motivates me to be positive each day? What gets me going? What's my purpose?"

I can't say that I have the answer to all of those questions which really bothers me. Both napkins had lines on them, so that you could grab a pen & jot down your thoughts. At the bottom of each napkin there was the Caribou Coffee logo & motto which read, "Life is short. Stay awake for it."

Am I awake or am I missing it? Lately I've felt rejuvenated about life but honestly, I'm lacking purpose right now. I'm living in the day-to-day, making money to pay bills but am I awake for life? Am I living?

When I used to dance in the NBA, I felt alive. When I was a French Teacher, albeit exhausted 90% of the time, I felt alive. I don't feel alive right now. It's an interesting question though, what do you stay awake for? I posted it on Facebook and a couple people joked, but a friend from high school responded saying her children are what she stayed awake for. Now that's deep. That's a purpose. So much in life is left to be explored, so much of life is left to be lived. I want to feel that. I want to feel like I'm doing what I've been meant to do. I want to feel like I am achieving something.

Last day of summer...1st day of my 30s

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

It's here!! I'm 30 years old people!! Or as my aunt likes to remind me, "30 old years!" (NOT literally though. When I was celebrating my 3rd birthday, she asked me of my age & I naively responded, "3 old years!" She thought it was hilarious, never forgot that & recites it for every birthday of mine).

'Tis my birthday people. I woke up feeling happy & loved and nothing even occurred yet! Definitely off to a great start. J called me at midnight but only seconds after Dominique (friend since high school & ex-boyfriend) texted. Then when I woke up this morning at 6am, I had a text from my ex-boyfriend of 2 years, Dennis:

"Happy Birthday!!!!!!! Inhale. Happy Birthday!!!!!!!" I literally laughed out loud, then replied thanking him. He then replied, "So was I first? Third? What?? Hehe j/k...have a perfect day." He had texted me at 12:18am.

It always makes me laugh when people in my life say things that make me realize, they know me so well. I can't recall if he did this last year, but having not been together for almost 2 years now, I thought it was hilarious that he knew to hurry up & reach out to me because there is always a race for some reason. I'm laughing right now actually, as I type this.

I know that people do these things not because I bully them into doing it or for fear of being on my "Shit List." It makes me smile to know that they do it because they love me enough to do it, and boy did I feel the love today. I heard from people I've known forever, to those I've recently become acquainted with, to those I never thought I'd hear from again. Certainly, sites like Facebook make it easier but that doesn't matter because no one had to wish me anything... but they did. Over 140 Facebook wall messages, several Facebook emails, many tweets and many songs were sang in my honor today and that was just the start of my day.

My day was just beautiful over all, both figuratively & literally. I woke up in great spirits, got come car things accomplished (some of it for less than expected!), went shopping & had a wonderful dinner. The devil tried his best to muddy up my day though, by causing a hard-hitting fender bender prior to my dinner date, but I didn't let him win. I chose not to let him win. Instead, I took a moment to say to myself, "it's okay & it'll be okay." And it was. The 3 of us walked away from the car accident in fully operable vehicles, so my day could continue! Why shouldn't it?! I'm 30 today!!

So I went home & before Zin picked me up for our date, my friend Annette dropped off yet another birthday gift and we chatted briefly before she left. I placed it next to Kelli's "30th birthday survival kit" gift that she carefully put together for me & stood there smiling at my friend's gifts, feeling loved. Shortly thereafter, Zin called & requested that I meet him outside. When I did, he was waiting for me outside of the car -almost like the men did in the olden days by their chariots- wearing a beautiful, crisp lavender shirt (my favorite color). When we got to dinner, he gave me a bag of 3 gifts, each symbolic in its own way, and making it an extremely thoughtful gift overall. He wrote me a beautiful note to explain the symbolism of the gifts but also to remind me to be grateful of all that I've accomplished in my measely 30 years of existence on this Earth... and to be excited for what's to come.

I really am actually. I have a troupe of loving friends & family that support me, many goals and many dreams that I can't wait to tap into! I look back on my 20s and I'm really glad that I chose to do things my way. I've fallen many times. I've made a few repetitive mistakes. I've gotten up & pushed forth and upward. Nothing can really hold me back now and for that, I'm looking forward to this new decade of my life.