Losing sleep over the future

I have a lot on my mind & i think this is why my sleep pattern is
being disrupted. I'm thinking about a new location to begin my 30s
(not the true reason) that I'll need a reasonable sized budget for,
christmas is in 2 days, New Year's Eve is coming without a fab dress nor plans, and I've met someone that could actually hurt me. Hmm where do I begin...

I'd like to relocate so that I could explore other dance
opportunities. That's it. I'm young. I don't have any kids. Why not?
The budget for rellocating is such a terrifying thought to factor in when the bills & other sudden urgenices pop up, like your car's engine light or the fact that your HOA dues have increased. Crap, that's another 30-40 minutes of lost sleep!

Christmas is coming, which means so is the family. I need to clean. I begin to fret. Another 20 minutes lost.

New Year's Eve is arriving with such speed & I need another 2 weeks! I don't have an outfit, I don't have plans, I don't have my "roll dawg" in town, O-M-G! Did I accomplish all that I set out to do in 2009? Why, yes actually; my goal was to run a half marathon this year and I ran two! Check. Then, why am I not ready for this year to end? It was undoubtedly one of the worst years of my life, but I can't figure out why I want to slow down the hands of time. Another 30 minutes lost, pondering this very thought.

Perhaps it's because time is bringing me closer to 30? Hmmm, I'll dive into that later! In the meantime, I wrestle with thinking about what "30" means to me...for another 10 minutes.

And lastly, I've met someone new. Someone interesting. But if I usher in the New Year too soon, does that mean that I need to hurry up & figure things out with the new person? With so much happening in this upcoming year, I feel as if I'm up against a deadline & my next article is due when the sun rises! There goes another 40 minutes of sleep.

I hope things will iron out in my head, and fast. It's Wednesday and so far I've racked up 15 hours of sleep so far. That's not good. Here's to the next 8 days...

Life off the court...

Recently, I had a couple interesting conversations with an old friend. This old friend of mine isn't "old" per se, just someone I was close to at one point, then we lost touch but we've now since reconnected. This friend of mine used to play professional basketball in the NBA but fell victim to an injury & hasn't played for a couple years since then. Since he fell off the radar, I continued dancing in the NBA until that fateful day in 2008 where my services were no longer needed.

After my 4 year tenure, I went through many stages of grief. Disillusionment. Disbelief. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Dismembered, as if I were torn apart. I didn't want to eat, but couldn't stop eating. I didn't want people to see me, but couldn't stay at home. I yearned for silence but hated every minute of it. My boyfriend at the time did the best he could to understand my situation, but the truth of the matter is...no one really gets what it feels like! There are few that actually can empathize with being a part of a team, then all of a sudden, having that family torn from you. It was a "family". I saw those girls more than I saw my mother, even when I was still living WITH my mother. I spent Thanksgivings & New Year's with those girls...they become your family. And unless one is READY and WANTING to break apart from it all, to leave unexpectedly can truly leave a painful mark on your heart. It does something to you.

Because what happens is, you went from years of wanting free time, to not knowing what the hell to do with all this newfound free time! You go from having your weekends booked solid from July-April, to not having a damn thing to do, and you feel restless. Invalid. Pointless. You want nothing more than to spend time with your family, but...your family is on the court! You start to question what your life is bringing to the table, and why is it that you're not 'living'. Are you living? So many unanswered questions and the worst part is that no one can answer it for you. No one understands the question but yourself.

When the ex-NBA player & I caught up, I found it fascinating to discover that we had similar views on life off the basketball court. He spoke about how things became political for him, which, I think politics had something to do with my situation as well. He spoke about the various offers he still got once he left, but that he didn't entertain them. It seemed to be an all or nothing attitude, I heard. Perhaps they offered him a spot on a developmental league of which he may've felt overqualified for...I don't know. He didn't say. We both did agree that people don't realize what an adjustment it is, adjusting to 'real life' after the NBA. When you're in the NBA, people talk to you differently (yes, even if you're just a dancer), people treat you like you're special in some aspects, you meet a lot of "known" people, your face is recognizable. When you're no longer affiliated with it, people aren't sure how to react sometimes. And it's always written all over their faces, the awkwardness. For me, those faces usually come from the newbies, who aren't sure how to approach me. My comparison would be like when you're meeting the inlaws for the 1st time...a slight awkwardness is there because they're unfamiliar even though you're all family. So you hug anyway.

I'm looking forward to continuing this conversation with the ex-NBA player; I'd like to pick his brain a little more to see if it's still a familial atmosphere for him & his past teammates. For me, it most certainly is! Seeing the girls I spent 4 years of my life with is always a joyous moment. We're in each other's weddings. We're at each other's baby showers. We're a family. It's just the life after the family divorces,that really takes some getting used to...and I'm hoping I'll adjust any day now.

The end of a relationship

I am mourning yet another loss. It's the loss of a friendship this time, guess a death of sorts. After 11 years of camaraderie, it's a wrap. Kaput. Just like that.

I was accused of knowing something I didn't actually know, and instead of believing in me, he chose not to believe. He chose to second guess my words. He chose to second guess me. He chose to interrogate me versus listening and understanding that I loved him. He has always known that before...why not now?

I'm curious to research how people react to their covers being blown...to uncover what the typical reaction is for those whose lies have been brought to light. Some would argue that they tend to misplace the blame & accuse others of wrongdoings. Some might even say that they would deter the focus of the real issue at hand, to bring attention to something else, something insignificant. I don't know what the general reaction would be but one would think that after 11 years, a friendship might be worth salvaging. Perhaps he was lying? I don't know but what IS obvious is that I DON'T KNOW a whole lot about friendships, and I'm going into my 30s! Geeze, what have I been learning?

So far I've learned that every 5 years or so, I do a "control + alt + delete" on some relationships, some get a "restart" and some carry on as normal. I think this can be healthy, as people change & want different things in life. Some "Operating Systems" get old & an upgrade becomes necessary. I just wouldn't have thought that due to a typo, my 11 year bond with this person would end so abruptly & without a pop-up warning box.

I have a lot to learn next year and I only hope that with age comes much wisdom. It saddens me that my track record as a friend wasn't good enough for him but here's hoping that when I reboot at 30 years old, I'll no longer have these issues plaguing me like a virus, I'll be fully functioning and almost like brand new!

*M*