The End of a Relationship pt.II

I can't believe November is here! It's almost a new year & with the pending arrival of 2011, reflection always floats around in my mind sporadically.

I was on Facebook the other day & though I don't always pay attention to the News Feed, I noticed one from a "friend" who posted a video of her son. I watched the video mainly because I haven't seen him in a while. Well in the background was another child, a baby girl, in one of those bouncy chairs. "She gave birth already??" I thought. And not because she didn't tell me, but because he didn't tell me.

I'm not going to name him on this post & because I don't have a nickname for him, he really should remain nameless. But we'll call him...Steve.

Steve & I used to be very close for 11 years. He was there for me through many heartaches & I for him. He was sort of like that friend you can be blunt with, call him an asshole (& mean it) but still talk the  next day like nothing happened. Or if we hadn't spoken in a few months, speaking again was never difficult because we simply picked up where we left off.

Despite how things ended last year, having seen the Facebook feed, I sent him an email to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter & wished him well. He responded indicating that she had been born months ago & wished me the same. Ouch.

Although I can honestly state that I did nothing to cause the demise of our relationship, it still hurts me to my core. The fact that Steve and I are purposely drifting apart, breaks my heart. Very much like my relationship with my sister.

I'm constantly -mentally- battling with these two people which is a huge stressor to add to my brain, on top of already having to battle with my habitual issues of resentment towards my father. But between Steve & my sister, I feel like I'm repetitively torn between doing "the right thing" and standing my ground (some call it being stubborn, I prefer to say 'standing my ground', wink wink). I can't count how many times I pick up my phone, prepared to call & deliver my opening line or two, but only to put the phone back in my purse. I guess I truly thought that we'd all be over it by now; perhaps the scar is deeper than I believe it should be. To me, life is greater than petty arguments & text-messaged misunderstandings. The fact that 2011 is almost here & we've spent 2010 not speaking...really, really hurts my heart. The fact that 2011 is almost here & it seems like nothing between us will get better next year, well... there are no words to describe how that realization makes me feel. Looks like I just need to accept that this is truly the end of our relationships, or at least accept it's the end of how they used to be.
Control + alt + delete.

The world keeps spinning. A paragraphed list of things I know & remember...

A year ago today, around 2am,  I was sleeping when my iPhone rang. I remember slowly emerging from my Stage 4 sleep...contemplating not answering the phone because "It's a Thursday. I have work tomorrow dammit"...then thinking "what if something's wrong? Maybe Ana needs a ride home or something happened with Kelli" (I thought about Ana & Kelli because we've been known in the past to go out on a weeknight, so I assumed a 2am call from one of them wouldn't be a total shocker). I picked up my phone & vaguely made out a picture of Alexis in her Halloween costume; the picture I chose for her caller ID.

Somewhat confused, I hesitantly answered, "Hey honey, how are you? Are you ok?"
"No. Ricky's dead" she said.

I remember immediately sitting up in bed. I remember feeling awake simultaneously, no more cloudiness. I remember saying "What?", honestly wondering if I heard her correctly. I remember her crying & saying that he drowned & that she couldn't get in touch with Ana. I remember thinking I had to speak to the boys & I had to speak to Ana as soon as possible.

So Alexis & I got off the phone & I did just that. I called Ana, but it went to voicemail. I thought to call Damu but I decided to call Briscoe first, because I figured Damu already knew. It's funny that I remember thinking all of this. After that, I called Ana & she answered, bawling. Her words were slurred behind her tears & she was completely incoherent...which means she knew.

I don't remember much after that. I know I laid there & cried. I know that it didn't feel real. I know that when I woke up, I couldn't wake up, so I emailed my boss & said that I'd be late to work. I know that I couldn't focus at work that day & I left early. I know I was in shock.

There are a lot of things I don't know though. I don't know when it was that Ricky & I became close. I think it happened naturally: One day we were being introduced, the next day we were talking about goals & where we saw ourselves in 5 years. I admit there is a lot I don't know about him but the things I do know, I miss. Even a year later.

There isn't anyone in the world -or in heaven- like Ricky. He just had this way of living that seemed so laissez-faire, yet everything he did, every move he made was calculated. He was very smart, very opinionated, very driven & very spontaneous. You could talk to him about anything, from parties to politics. What I love most about Ricky is that you just couldn't be in a bad mood around him. It was literally impossible. Impossible.

I don't think about him everyday anymore, it comes & goes. Nowadays, I smile when Gucci Mane's "Wasted" comes on, instead of cry. I look back on the pictures that I refuse to delete & I smile. I remember my 29th birthday & I can see him smiling at me, so I smile. That's what he would've wanted anyway, right?

I'm aware that the world keeps spinning & life goes on when people die. I know this. We all know this. But Ricky, it just...amazes me that a year has already passed without you here. You are truly missed.

"Life is Short. Stay awake for it"

Apparently that's the motto for the coffee shop chain, Caribou Coffee. I don't frequent there much; I tend to be an avid Starbucks supporter but while killing time before a meeting yesterday, Caribou Coffee was the only nearby option.

I walked in & it had the typical air of a coffee shop: the easy-listening music was playing, available couches & tables, even a fireplace. I had 30 minutes to kill so I ordered a cookie & grabbed 2 napkins. Normally, a napkin is a napkin but these had some sentences printed on them. One napkin read, "What do you stay awake for?" and the other read "Yet another thing to stay awake for: write a really, really short novel." The second napkin was a cute idea, so I tucked it away inside my purse but the first one made me wonder, "What DO I stay awake for? What motivates me to be positive each day? What gets me going? What's my purpose?"

I can't say that I have the answer to all of those questions which really bothers me. Both napkins had lines on them, so that you could grab a pen & jot down your thoughts. At the bottom of each napkin there was the Caribou Coffee logo & motto which read, "Life is short. Stay awake for it."

Am I awake or am I missing it? Lately I've felt rejuvenated about life but honestly, I'm lacking purpose right now. I'm living in the day-to-day, making money to pay bills but am I awake for life? Am I living?

When I used to dance in the NBA, I felt alive. When I was a French Teacher, albeit exhausted 90% of the time, I felt alive. I don't feel alive right now. It's an interesting question though, what do you stay awake for? I posted it on Facebook and a couple people joked, but a friend from high school responded saying her children are what she stayed awake for. Now that's deep. That's a purpose. So much in life is left to be explored, so much of life is left to be lived. I want to feel that. I want to feel like I'm doing what I've been meant to do. I want to feel like I am achieving something.

Last day of summer...1st day of my 30s

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

It's here!! I'm 30 years old people!! Or as my aunt likes to remind me, "30 old years!" (NOT literally though. When I was celebrating my 3rd birthday, she asked me of my age & I naively responded, "3 old years!" She thought it was hilarious, never forgot that & recites it for every birthday of mine).

'Tis my birthday people. I woke up feeling happy & loved and nothing even occurred yet! Definitely off to a great start. J called me at midnight but only seconds after Dominique (friend since high school & ex-boyfriend) texted. Then when I woke up this morning at 6am, I had a text from my ex-boyfriend of 2 years, Dennis:

"Happy Birthday!!!!!!! Inhale. Happy Birthday!!!!!!!" I literally laughed out loud, then replied thanking him. He then replied, "So was I first? Third? What?? Hehe j/k...have a perfect day." He had texted me at 12:18am.

It always makes me laugh when people in my life say things that make me realize, they know me so well. I can't recall if he did this last year, but having not been together for almost 2 years now, I thought it was hilarious that he knew to hurry up & reach out to me because there is always a race for some reason. I'm laughing right now actually, as I type this.

I know that people do these things not because I bully them into doing it or for fear of being on my "Shit List." It makes me smile to know that they do it because they love me enough to do it, and boy did I feel the love today. I heard from people I've known forever, to those I've recently become acquainted with, to those I never thought I'd hear from again. Certainly, sites like Facebook make it easier but that doesn't matter because no one had to wish me anything... but they did. Over 140 Facebook wall messages, several Facebook emails, many tweets and many songs were sang in my honor today and that was just the start of my day.

My day was just beautiful over all, both figuratively & literally. I woke up in great spirits, got come car things accomplished (some of it for less than expected!), went shopping & had a wonderful dinner. The devil tried his best to muddy up my day though, by causing a hard-hitting fender bender prior to my dinner date, but I didn't let him win. I chose not to let him win. Instead, I took a moment to say to myself, "it's okay & it'll be okay." And it was. The 3 of us walked away from the car accident in fully operable vehicles, so my day could continue! Why shouldn't it?! I'm 30 today!!

So I went home & before Zin picked me up for our date, my friend Annette dropped off yet another birthday gift and we chatted briefly before she left. I placed it next to Kelli's "30th birthday survival kit" gift that she carefully put together for me & stood there smiling at my friend's gifts, feeling loved. Shortly thereafter, Zin called & requested that I meet him outside. When I did, he was waiting for me outside of the car -almost like the men did in the olden days by their chariots- wearing a beautiful, crisp lavender shirt (my favorite color). When we got to dinner, he gave me a bag of 3 gifts, each symbolic in its own way, and making it an extremely thoughtful gift overall. He wrote me a beautiful note to explain the symbolism of the gifts but also to remind me to be grateful of all that I've accomplished in my measely 30 years of existence on this Earth... and to be excited for what's to come.

I really am actually. I have a troupe of loving friends & family that support me, many goals and many dreams that I can't wait to tap into! I look back on my 20s and I'm really glad that I chose to do things my way. I've fallen many times. I've made a few repetitive mistakes. I've gotten up & pushed forth and upward. Nothing can really hold me back now and for that, I'm looking forward to this new decade of my life.

Wrapping up my 20s...

It is the day before my birthday & I'm feeling pretty good about it. I got to work today & our "Monday morning meeting" was cancelled, so that always makes me happy. The sun was shining brightly this morning. I am breathing. Life is good.

It just is, plain & simple. I don't have anything to complain about really, though I'm sure if I sit here long enough, I could conjure up something. My 20s were fun and very eventful! I may not be married off by now, or with child, or maintained a career, or, or, or... but I have done more than most. Instead I've dibble-dabbled in a couple of careers and have been in two "long" relationships, to come out the other side knowing what I want my professional life to look like & what I want my love life to look like. That to me, is a huge feat in itself.

Before leaving work today, a colleague in the New York office told me to pop open a bottle of wine & toast to the end of my 20s. Brilliant idea, I thought to myself but instead, a friend called & wanted us to grab dinner to catch up, so we did. We went to a cute, quaint Columbian/Peruvian restaurant that I had never seen in all my 16 years of being in Charlotte. The food was quite tasty, as was the homemade sangria. Before sipping my glass I took a moment to silently (i.e. in my head) say goodbye to 29 and be grateful of what's to come.

So now I'm at home and about to get an early night. There are a few people that will surely call me at midnight in a race to be "the 1st place winner" to wish me a happy birthday, and like every year, I look forward to it [insert smiley emoticon].

Wow... 30 is really coming.

Playa Mujeres!!

A week ago, my college best friends and I returned from Playa Mujeres, Mexico, a place that a year ago, we began planning to visit in honor of becoming 30 years old.

Our brainstorming the location was quite precise. We wanted to travel to someplace warm, not kid-appropriate, fairly inexpensive & all-inclusive were the main consensus. The date? We decided Labor Day holiday weekend would be a decent fit... it wasn't as cheap as earlier in the year, and yeah, it's in the middle of hurricane season but the weather wouldn't be horribly hot and it would serve as a somewhat median for our birthdays: Katie turned 30 in January, Shameika's birthday was in June, Daphne, Tokii and myself are in September and bringing up the rear is J's birthday in October. Perfect! Labor Day weekend it is!

Unfortunately, not all of the Sensational 6 could make the trip. Passports weren't arriving in time, a baby was born, life just got in the way. The Sensational 6's 30th birthday trip ended up just being 4:



Tokii, Me, J and Katie headed off to Cancun Mexico's secluded beach of Playa Mujeres on Saturday, September 4th and boy did we have a ball...

I read somewhere that one of the keys to life is to make at least 3 people smile each day. I don't know if I personally did that for them but they certainly made me smile several times everyday. Not to mention the location! I couldn't help but smile at our room's beautiful view of one of the 7 pools on the resort, where we were just a brief walk away from the Caribbean Sea. The weather was ideal everyday, there were things to do -or nothing to do at all- which is EXACTLY what I wanted out of this trip: Plenty of time to relax with my girlfriends & mentally vacate my life. Who would want more? I strongly recommend a girl's trip as you wrap up your 20s because even though I'm not 30 yet, it was the perfect way to enter the next chapter of my life, and what better way to do it than with those you love?

Swim, bike & run?

"Proficiency in swimming, cycling, and running alone is often not sufficient for success in triathlon."

That's the last sentence I read on Wikipedia's thorough breakdown of what defines a Triathlon.

And when I mentioned doing a Triathlon with a colleague whose wife recently completed one, he said, "It is not for the faint of heart".

Hmm. Not feeling very positive right now. Which is the same way I felt when I decided to run a half marathon, so perhaps I'm on the right track! (no pun intended)

Competing in a Triathlon is up there with skydiving for me. Both are things that I've thought about doing but am not sure if I can. Minus the whole possible death part of skydiving, I think I'd enjoy doing them because they're both ideas that have been lying dormant in the back of my mind, chillin'.
Can I do it?
Will I be able to squeeze in the sufficient training time into my schedule?
Am I trying to do too much right now?
Goals have to be realistic & attainable so I'll continue to think about this before blogging any further...