Bumps

The character Samantha Jones from Sex And The City once said "a bump in the road is NEVER good & it doesn't make sense to wait around to see how NOT good!" (probably not a verbatim quote, sorry) before gesturing to the lead character Carrie, to turn her frown upside down. This is so true. I love those writers.

Ironically, while happily in the middle of selecting the pictures & finalizing my thoughts on the verbiage for the last blog post, I was asked by my boss to join him in a nearby enclave. "Do I need a pen & paper too?" I asked, noticing that he had a legal pad & Paper Mate pen in hand. "Nah" he replied, then we sat & he informed me that his boss didn't approve of my proposal to transfer my current job to Miami.

"I feel as if my hands are tied" was a thought that popped in my head. Yes, it's another Sex And The City quote, from Carrie this time (perhaps I'm still on the movie's Sequel Premiere Night high). Anyway, I felt like I couldn't respond. I couldn't shout "WHAT?! WHYYY?!!!" like I initially felt like saying. I wouldn't dare cry, even though I felt the urge. Instead, I felt like the appropriate response would be to thank him for the consideration. So I dug deep inside the aching pit of my stomach, managed a half smile & did just that. My hands were tied so tightly behind my back.

I've always been somewhat superstitious, my father is too, so we'll blame him. Since having the conversation with my boss, more "ironic" things happened or shall I say simply that I noticed a couple of "signs" that would steer me away from diving into the negative sea:

1. I've been meaning to call Michelle all weekend to tell her how relieved I was to have gotten support from my job, regarding my relocating. Something told me to hold off on calling her. So yesterday, after only a couple minutes of leaving the office, she called me to check on me & see how things were going. I cried finally, told her what happened and come to find out, she knows of a possible opportunity for me in Miami. It would be part time, but it would be something...



2. After getting a moment to myself, I checked my email and received a forward from my aunt. I hate forwards but I read it anyway. Largely it said, "The moment you receive this say..." and then it went into the Lord's Prayer. Below that it read: "God wanted me to tell you it shall be well with you this coming year. No matter how much your enemies will try this year, they will not succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For all of 2010, all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings, sorrows and pain because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY.. He will never let you down."

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not highly religious. I do not believe that going to church every Sunday will get me into Heaven and therefore suggesting that NOT going, yet believing that Jesus is your saviour, shan't get you anywhere. I am a Christian and to receive this, at that moment in time, was a quick reminder of the strength that's inside of me. The strength that God has given me. So to me (being very superstitious & somewhat religious) those two signs were swift reminders that I can still do this.

The decision my boss's boss made is simply a bump in the road, and I am going to take Samantha's advice to not focus on the bump. I need to keep walking forward, acknowledge that yes, I had a slight stumble but I haven't fallen down completely. This is still my goal and besides, sometimes it's necessary to have some bumps along the way so that the journey really becomes worth it in the end.

The Not So Little Things... part I

There are some things I will undoubtedly miss about my many years in Charlotte: the Carolina blue sky, Alive After 5, the streets Uptown to name a few. Mostly though, there are dozens of faces I will miss very terribly. I spent my adolescent years here so I had a lot of "first's" here, became acquainted with a lot of different people, gotten to grow up (literally) with a lot of people here, so in other words, as Samantha Jones poignantly said, "a lot of shit went down here!" Here's to all those faces that make the Queen City so memorable for me and don't worry, if you're not featured now there will be a part deux.

New Journey Ahead...

Having written the last blog, I'm realizing now that I don't believe I actually announced my next step in life. I'm planning on relocating to Miami, Florida in a month. Yeah I said it...a month.

However, this isn't some idea I just conjured up on a whim. I have been thinking about leaving Charlotte, North Carolina for years now. Only since dancing in the NBA did I grow content with this city and even manage to fool myself into occasionally believing it had everything I desired out of life. Most of the time however, I still find myself feeling like that 13 year old girl feeling somewhat out-of-place and different here, sometimes alone even.

Miami has a certain "joie de vivre". I have many fond memories of the city and I know most of them are juvenile ones having left as a teenager. Truth is, I don't know what Miami is like all grown up. Sure I've visited several times over the years but it varies from the day-to-day. I am so eager to experience it at this point of my life...approaching 30.

I am looking forward to some sentimental moments as well. My relationship with Miami is like the relationship with that guy whom you are no longer with but don't feel like you've received the necessary closure from, so you're not quite over it? Yeah. I need to mend things with Miami.

And knowing me, I will. I will go to my old house and remember where I had my 10th birthday or had my huffy bike stolen. I'll drive by Octaviano's Gymnastics to see if it's still there & recollect on how much I loved being in the gym and would go to my aunt's house to swim right after my gymnastics practices. I'll drive up and down the street I used to walk every day to and from school and remember how I used to dream about the things I would grow up to do or become. I'll go to the church I grew up in and can still to this day vividly remember just being there with my mother or having my confirmation. I'll order a patty at Island Delight because that's where daddy would take me and I have so few memories of him and the things that we would do alone together. I will do these things to honor my time in Miami. A bit dramatic probably, but I need that closure on the old Miami.

The new Miami holds big plans for me and I'm truly excited. I've been at peace with this decision for months now. I have goals that my superstitious self won't let me mention for fear of jinxing them, but it's those goals that are truly the gas that keeps me going. This time spent in my new Miami will also allow me to be closer to my family, in particular my father who is paralyzed having suffered a stroke (along with other medical complications) back in 2004 that is still causing a toll on his health. This new Miami is just me expanding my wings and just...living a little. I remember how excited I was when I wanted to live in France, researched it and I did. This too is another goal of mine and I cannot wait to see what it entails!

However, I don't know what the future holds. I don't know how long I will stay or how succesful I'll be but I'll definitely take the leap now. Not because I am turning 30 but because it is time for me to act and not react. I cannot wait to do this, if only for myself but for peace of mind, knowing that I tried. I can only hope that everything pans out in a positive way. In the meantime I am claiming my life and ready to write my own journey.

I Do...but not yet

I discovered that the general median age for 1st marriages is 26 for women and 28 for men. In DC, 30 is the median age whereas it's the median age only for New York women.

In Florida, it's about the same as the general median, which puts me at a late-bloomer status. As I pontificate and progress towards relocation, I can't help but think deeply of old and newly-formed relationships. My thoughts scatter all over the place and frequently. I think about the 1st person I became friends with in high school, Zena. Me being the newbie from Florida & not knowing a soul, she took me in and we were the best of friends. I think of a crush I had my freshman year in high school who passed away over the Christmas break and remember how confused and shocked I was to realize that we can die so young. I remember my 1st love and those that followed...what they've taught me and what I've taught them, and I mentally thank them for those memories. I reminisce on past spring breaks and summer vacations, past adventures and past lessons I've learned in the 16 years here in Charlotte, NC.

When I mentioned relocating to my boss, he was naturally surprised but surprisingly supportive. He applauded me for being able to 'pick up and go' and 'live my life'. I responded agreeably, 'Yes! It truly is a blessing that I'm not married & don't have kids, so that I can actually DO this fairly easily!'

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt slight remorse for verbalizing that thought. Is it a blessing to be almost 30 sans husband and child? I wondered briefly if my boss now believed that I thought it was impossible to relocate with a family and that it's a burden. I actually think about marriage and being a part of THAT team but I recognize that I'm just not ready for any of that yet. I'm about to embark on a new chapter in my life, one that promises to be exciting and hopefully what I've expected for years now. The most I'm willing to consider right now is a long-distance boyfriend and even that can be risky.

Yet everywhere I turn are reminders of the decade I'm entering. A commercial comes to mind where a lady comments about her daughter being 35 and unwed. Is that so bad?

I'll admit, I have some traditional values but I'm not super conventional. I'm not one to have an age deadline of when to recite my vows. I don't know my ring size nor have I been dreaming about what my gown will look like. I'm just not that girl! So when the time comes for me to say "I do," I want to be sure that I REALLY DO, not just because I'm of the age to do so! In the meantime, I'll continue planning to relocate, live out my dreams and enjoy my life as it stands.

Surely that can't be so bad...

Do you like your coffee with cream or black?

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague a couple days ago that I would like to share (& blog about, lol). It was regarding a special that ABC ran on "Why Can't a Successful Black Woman Find A Man?"
And here goes the discourse...

MB [3:49 PM]:
did u watch that Nightline special?

Douglas, Monique [3:51 PM]:
OMG. How about it didn't tape!!

MB [3:51 PM]:
oooo, that smells

Douglas, Monique [3:51 PM]:
hahahahahahahaha

MB [3:52 PM]:
yeah, the men on the guys panel said women need to date more men with potential and women look too much at status...and the women said that they've tried, and the men end up being tired brothers. I have my own opinion of what I think more black women should do...

Douglas, Monique [4:16 PM]:
And what do you think Black women should do?

MB [4:16 PM]:
well there aren't a lot of good black men out there...that's been proven.
so

Douglas, Monique [4:17 PM]:
true

MB [4:17 PM]:
why don't black women date more outside of our culture? And not just white men...other cultures. Men of other cultures love black women, are fascinated by them.It seems like a lot of black women don't even consider it when in reality, they may meet someone who may treat them the way they want to be treated, less drama, more resposnible, etc. etc.

Douglas, Monique [4:18 PM]:
i agree!

MB [4:19 PM]:
from what I know, men from other cultures are a bit intimidated by black women, which is why they don't approach as much but if Black Women opened themselves up more, they'd hit the jackpot. I just think Black Women need to think out of the box more. Black men aren't the only ones out there.
***

WOW. Now there's a thought. Albeit nothing revolutionary but certainly enough to inspire a blog post...

DISCLAIMER TO BLACK WOMEN: In no way am I saying that the only way to find love is to date outside of your race.

Now that that's out of the way, I do find it interesting that some of us (fairly successful Black Women) frown upon those that choose to do so or they don't consider it an option at all! Why not? Some of us surely are considering it. What is so taboo?

I dated a man of Czech descent for 2 years & some change. Early in our relationship, I would tell my loved ones the cute story of how we met & how happy I was; their voices would emulate excitement & genuine happiness for me! I too was thrilled to be as happy as I was! Then the inevitable, "what does he look like" question would come about. So I'd respond truthfully:

"Well he's 6'4"...a genuine, big smile...kind of a swimmer/basketball player build...36 years old...brown hair...blue eyes"

[Insert a solid 5 seconds of silence]

The shock was clearly discerned in their voice as they continued to congratulate me. Let me be sure to note though that it's not that my loved ones were AGAINST it, they were simply surprised at the blue-eyed description as I'd never dated outside of my race before.

So why won't some of us cross over? Does it have to do with where you're from? In other words, in my opinion interracial dating is more accepted in highly populated, multicultural metropolitan areas like New York & Miami. Lately, there have been plenty a stir over Sandra Bullock's adoption of a New Orleans/Hurricane Katrina displaced child, but... mainly because he's Black. Does skin pigmentation really matter if a child can result from a loving home & family? Well, that's another blog in itself...

The overall central theme is the same though: Some of us need not see race. It's 2010, when do we leave history for the history books? In no way am I saying forget what our ancestors experienced, I'm saying let's move forward to the future.

Ideally, it would be nice to marry someone of Jamaican/American decent like me, who could somewhat relate to my story and my cultures, but will I let that be my only criteria? Oh no. As seen in the Nightline special, there's a huge gap in the numbers of single Black women v. other women. Perhaps we need to try something new to satisfy us?

The earlier conversation with my coworker was with an educated, successful Black Man. He firmly believes that Black Women should try to date outside of our race & I agree with him -and not because I have- but because love doesn't discriminate. If a man can provide for a woman, is educated, kind-hearted, open-minded, family oriented & meets whatever the other aesthetic or general standards are for that woman, well then... nothing else should matter.

Right?

Speak up but please be silent. Thank you.

Why is it that when you call a spade "a spade," you get logged as the insensitive bitch? Or better yet "overreacting" or "TOO sensitive"? Since when did accurately describing a person or a situation, become such a negative reflection of the person doing the describing?

A close male friend of mine has once described me as having a "strong personality" regarding my recent dating fiascoes, and he's right. I do have a very strong personality. I have certain beliefs that when crossed, my reaction albeit positive or negative, will be quite obvious. I don't feel that I should have to apologize for them however, if I'm not being rude or disorderly.

So if something upsets me, don't I have the right to react as such? Again, I'm not talking about being rude or disorderly... that's not my style really (I'd rather not be the loud, angry, Black woman truthfully so I try to stay angry within my limits, lol).

Our society is all about freedom of speech yet total censorship. You can say what you want to say but... maybe not in the workplace...or perhaps not during peak TV hours as the kids could be home from school... or probably not without the proper movie rating...or...or...or...

Such is the trend. Maybe as you get older, you censor less (that's the cliché anyway). I don't know if that's it though...

Example #1: Today in my weekly meeting, I said what was on every body's minds yet I received the "How dare she!" eyes. Example #2: I was reunited with a guy I dated & called him out for his foul, immature behavior. He seemed appalled. Example #3: I wasn't paid for a full day's work & instead of accepting what I got quietly & being grateful for "the opportunity," I complained for being short-changed. I was criticized for being irritated.

None of those 3 examples have anything to do with me approaching 30. They're each (in their own way) samples of how society has bred us to believe that there are some times when our mouths should remain shut, so when we unleash our tongues, we are frowned upon. Castrated. Given the Scarlett A.

I don't profess to know it all. In fact, I can argue that I know the art form of dance & the language structure of French very well but that's about it. Perhaps it IS my strong personality that I was raised with, but I believe that if you have something to say, you say it and If something is wrong, you let it be known that's it wrong. Of course there are caveats to that (ha ha!). I was also raised not to hurt any one's feelings (on purpose), be faithful to God, respect your elders, etc. etc. so sometimes I WILL bite my tongue, depending on the situation. That is to be expected. However, this "speak your mind but really be silent" memo, I am not too fond of and perhaps that has a lot to do with age...

Life is short folks, do what you can...

A colleague's father died 6 weeks ago. Her husband died 4 weeks ago. Her son committed suicide on Friday.

Her FATHER died 6 weeks ago.

Her HUSBAND died 4 weeks ago.

Her SON committed suicide on Friday.

When one of my close colleagues Bob* told me what happened this morning, I gasped loudly. It's a cliché but quite a natural reaction when you hear that someone had suffered so many losses within such a short period of time.

I don't know how Mary* is going to pull through this. I don't know how I would pull through this! How do you bounce back after losing arguably the 3 most important men/people in your life?

For a brief moment, I thought about the news Bob gave me this morning: "Mary's son committed suicide." I thought about the prior events & wondered if Mary's son felt life wasn't worth living any longer without his father & grandfather around. Which makes me ponder what Mary could be feeling without her son, husband & father around.

After I thought about Mary & her recent situation, I gave thanks to God for seeing another day & asked him to forgive me for bitching about another Monday. I thought about the cliché "life is short" and how true it has proven to be in the past 6 months. I reflected on Saturday night, when Gucci Mane's "Wasted" blared through Suite's speakers, I thought about Ricky & wished he was with me because that was his song. He passed almost 6 months ago & that song still gets me; I stopped dancing & sent a tweet saying "RIP RICKY" before carrying on with a mellow two-step. I thought about how you just never know where life can take you & you never know what other people are going through at any moment.

Then I became livid. Yesterday was my sister's 38th birthday. She & I haven't been speaking for months now, all because of a package I never received and due to a miscommunication through text messages. I'm not going to get into it but the outcome of the text war was her telling me that I'm cut off from all things concerning her daughter (my niece) and that she (my sister) 'does not like me right now' and doesn't want to speak to me. Though the anger came out of left field & banning me from my niece was an extremely irrational reaction, I still left her 2 apologetic voice mails & text messages only to have them left unanswered. Yesterday, it was her birthday and even though her reaction & lack of maturity infuriates me, I sent her a "happy birthday" text, only to have that left unanswered as well.

So why am I blogging about this? It's a reminder that life is seriously too short. I don't understand what is worth being so stubborn over, when we know that our time on this Earth is limited. So due to Mary's unfortunate & sad events, I may have to bite the bullet yet again and make my sister get over this because life is extremely unpredictable & unfair to forsake family over a stupid, unreceived package.


*The names of my colleagues have been changed for this blog.