Writing my future

"If you can make it through this chapter and still want to write for pay, then you have our permission to go ahead & give this freelance life a serious shot."

I'm reading a book from the Complete Idiot's Guide series, to help me understand what it would take to get my articles published in magazines. Ever since I was a child I would write in my diary (and I still do) and write my mother notes whenever she & I were apart, or just write just because! When I was a freshman in college, my English teacher told me that I should consider changing my 'undecided' major to English but I opted for a different path. Now that I am older, I have realized that I have always truly enjoyed writing and should pursue it! Take the leap of faith! Give it a try!

This book that I'm reading really lays out the pros and cons of being a freelance writer, some of which I am already aware of honestly, but for some reason it reads differently in print. I am so excited that I've decided to reach out to my current Editor to get his insight into the writing industry & even potentially pick his brain on how to get some paid gigs (wink wink).

So wish me luck! I've always wanted to turn my diaries into a book one day (who would read it, i don't know!), and I hope my future as a freelance writer will help me to achieve that dream! Ciao...

Losing sleep over the future

I have a lot on my mind & i think this is why my sleep pattern is
being disrupted. I'm thinking about a new location to begin my 30s
(not the true reason) that I'll need a reasonable sized budget for,
christmas is in 2 days, New Year's Eve is coming without a fab dress nor plans, and I've met someone that could actually hurt me. Hmm where do I begin...

I'd like to relocate so that I could explore other dance
opportunities. That's it. I'm young. I don't have any kids. Why not?
The budget for rellocating is such a terrifying thought to factor in when the bills & other sudden urgenices pop up, like your car's engine light or the fact that your HOA dues have increased. Crap, that's another 30-40 minutes of lost sleep!

Christmas is coming, which means so is the family. I need to clean. I begin to fret. Another 20 minutes lost.

New Year's Eve is arriving with such speed & I need another 2 weeks! I don't have an outfit, I don't have plans, I don't have my "roll dawg" in town, O-M-G! Did I accomplish all that I set out to do in 2009? Why, yes actually; my goal was to run a half marathon this year and I ran two! Check. Then, why am I not ready for this year to end? It was undoubtedly one of the worst years of my life, but I can't figure out why I want to slow down the hands of time. Another 30 minutes lost, pondering this very thought.

Perhaps it's because time is bringing me closer to 30? Hmmm, I'll dive into that later! In the meantime, I wrestle with thinking about what "30" means to me...for another 10 minutes.

And lastly, I've met someone new. Someone interesting. But if I usher in the New Year too soon, does that mean that I need to hurry up & figure things out with the new person? With so much happening in this upcoming year, I feel as if I'm up against a deadline & my next article is due when the sun rises! There goes another 40 minutes of sleep.

I hope things will iron out in my head, and fast. It's Wednesday and so far I've racked up 15 hours of sleep so far. That's not good. Here's to the next 8 days...

Life off the court...

Recently, I had a couple interesting conversations with an old friend. This old friend of mine isn't "old" per se, just someone I was close to at one point, then we lost touch but we've now since reconnected. This friend of mine used to play professional basketball in the NBA but fell victim to an injury & hasn't played for a couple years since then. Since he fell off the radar, I continued dancing in the NBA until that fateful day in 2008 where my services were no longer needed.

After my 4 year tenure, I went through many stages of grief. Disillusionment. Disbelief. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Dismembered, as if I were torn apart. I didn't want to eat, but couldn't stop eating. I didn't want people to see me, but couldn't stay at home. I yearned for silence but hated every minute of it. My boyfriend at the time did the best he could to understand my situation, but the truth of the matter is...no one really gets what it feels like! There are few that actually can empathize with being a part of a team, then all of a sudden, having that family torn from you. It was a "family". I saw those girls more than I saw my mother, even when I was still living WITH my mother. I spent Thanksgivings & New Year's with those girls...they become your family. And unless one is READY and WANTING to break apart from it all, to leave unexpectedly can truly leave a painful mark on your heart. It does something to you.

Because what happens is, you went from years of wanting free time, to not knowing what the hell to do with all this newfound free time! You go from having your weekends booked solid from July-April, to not having a damn thing to do, and you feel restless. Invalid. Pointless. You want nothing more than to spend time with your family, but...your family is on the court! You start to question what your life is bringing to the table, and why is it that you're not 'living'. Are you living? So many unanswered questions and the worst part is that no one can answer it for you. No one understands the question but yourself.

When the ex-NBA player & I caught up, I found it fascinating to discover that we had similar views on life off the basketball court. He spoke about how things became political for him, which, I think politics had something to do with my situation as well. He spoke about the various offers he still got once he left, but that he didn't entertain them. It seemed to be an all or nothing attitude, I heard. Perhaps they offered him a spot on a developmental league of which he may've felt overqualified for...I don't know. He didn't say. We both did agree that people don't realize what an adjustment it is, adjusting to 'real life' after the NBA. When you're in the NBA, people talk to you differently (yes, even if you're just a dancer), people treat you like you're special in some aspects, you meet a lot of "known" people, your face is recognizable. When you're no longer affiliated with it, people aren't sure how to react sometimes. And it's always written all over their faces, the awkwardness. For me, those faces usually come from the newbies, who aren't sure how to approach me. My comparison would be like when you're meeting the inlaws for the 1st time...a slight awkwardness is there because they're unfamiliar even though you're all family. So you hug anyway.

I'm looking forward to continuing this conversation with the ex-NBA player; I'd like to pick his brain a little more to see if it's still a familial atmosphere for him & his past teammates. For me, it most certainly is! Seeing the girls I spent 4 years of my life with is always a joyous moment. We're in each other's weddings. We're at each other's baby showers. We're a family. It's just the life after the family divorces,that really takes some getting used to...and I'm hoping I'll adjust any day now.

The end of a relationship

I am mourning yet another loss. It's the loss of a friendship this time, guess a death of sorts. After 11 years of camaraderie, it's a wrap. Kaput. Just like that.

I was accused of knowing something I didn't actually know, and instead of believing in me, he chose not to believe. He chose to second guess my words. He chose to second guess me. He chose to interrogate me versus listening and understanding that I loved him. He has always known that before...why not now?

I'm curious to research how people react to their covers being blown...to uncover what the typical reaction is for those whose lies have been brought to light. Some would argue that they tend to misplace the blame & accuse others of wrongdoings. Some might even say that they would deter the focus of the real issue at hand, to bring attention to something else, something insignificant. I don't know what the general reaction would be but one would think that after 11 years, a friendship might be worth salvaging. Perhaps he was lying? I don't know but what IS obvious is that I DON'T KNOW a whole lot about friendships, and I'm going into my 30s! Geeze, what have I been learning?

So far I've learned that every 5 years or so, I do a "control + alt + delete" on some relationships, some get a "restart" and some carry on as normal. I think this can be healthy, as people change & want different things in life. Some "Operating Systems" get old & an upgrade becomes necessary. I just wouldn't have thought that due to a typo, my 11 year bond with this person would end so abruptly & without a pop-up warning box.

I have a lot to learn next year and I only hope that with age comes much wisdom. It saddens me that my track record as a friend wasn't good enough for him but here's hoping that when I reboot at 30 years old, I'll no longer have these issues plaguing me like a virus, I'll be fully functioning and almost like brand new!

*M*

Ricky

I found myself wanting to tell everyone but not wanting to actually admit that it happened. I thought about tweeting. Then i thought that was tacky. "But everyone should know...we all love him, everyone should know." Then I thought about Twitter...and Facebook. Oh my God...people are going to tweet him today & not know what happened. People are going to make facebook comments to him on this very day & not know what happened last night. And whose job is it to alert the masses? Whose job is it to tell his twitter friends & facebook friends that we day-to-day friends don't personally know, that he's...

i didn't even know how much i cared until now. But i always knew. He & I have hung out solo & even sometimes when we were with the other guys or in a group, we were still solo. We'd have our own conversations. He always read my articles. And sometimes when we were out, we would stumble upon a new edition, he would read it right then, right there. Then tell me his thoughts immediately after. He knew my thoughts without me having to say anything.

When he told me he was going to the Dominican Republic, he was excited. Told me he'd be tweeting once he got wifi down there. I said something like, "love ya, have fun & be safe...i'm so jealous!" and i remember thinking, "I've never said 'i love ya' to Ricky or any of the other guys for that matter...other than Briscoe of course." But it didn't bother me. B/c i love my friends, not all romantically, but i love them because they're spectacular people whom i trust & treat like a 2nd family. He responded something to the effect of "you too, and there's a half marathon Nov. 7th that i wanna do, let me know if u wanna join me." I know i thought about responding, but i was busy at work & i honestly can't recall if i did or not.*

And i'm too terrified to get on twitter to see.

I still don't believe it's true. I feel numb & exhausted & deeply sad. I want to reach out to my friends too but i'm afraid i don't have the words. I'm afraid i don't have the strength to be a rock for everyone. Maybe they don't need me, maybe I need them. I think about the future and i just don't see how things will be the same without Ricky. He passed...way too soon. We're all dealing with the loss of a friend...way too soon. He had such a joie de vivre...he was the one of the few people I've met that seemed to never have a sad day. Blue was never a mood for him; he always had everyone laughing. It just doesn't seem right.

People say that when your loved ones die, you tend to face your own mortality. In this situation, it has made me not only question mine, but it has freaked me out about the mortality of those around me. Also makes me wonder what one's "last thoughts" are when something unexpected like this happens.
I wonder if Ricky was terrified the night he...
I wonder if Ricky had had a fun day, prior to the night he...
I wonder if Ricky said a quick prayer before he...
I wonder if Ricky had any last thoughts as he...

I don't know the answers and I wish I could just ask him...perhaps it's just not as bad as I'm imagining. I want to ask him if he at least enjoyed that day but then my rational side says "of course he did! Ricky enjoyed EVERYday." He enjoyed everyday, made us laugh everyday and eventhough I know this, I wish I could tell him not to go on that vacation so that we can enjoy our 30s together.


M

*Since writing this, I have run across the Direct Msg. I did respond saying that Nov.7th is really soon but that I would try...and we'd talk when he got back.

The Date from HELL.

I think every woman in her 20s has had that one date from hell. The one date where you're sitting across from the table, silently cursing yourself for wasting your time but also wanting to slit your wrists & run away at the same time. Well 4 days shy of my 29th birthday, I finally had mine.

So we were to meet at 10:30 at The Wine Up, it’s a laid back open mic poetry spot. Think dreads, pool tables, nice bar, round tables, soulful music. I planned on being fashionably late so I got there at 10:40 but he (Anonymous Adam, we'll call him) had texted saying he was running late. Hmm…ok.

I sat there, listened to the live music which is a prelude to the live poetry. Poetry started, no Anonymous Adam. I sat thru about 4-5 poets before he arrived. I snuck & looked at my phone…it was 11:20 (please note the time I arrived & the time the date was SUPPOSED to have started). Strike 1.

Now mind you, I did get a text prior to leaving my house that said something along the lines of "I’m gonna be casual, haven’t shaved my beard because it’s just a chill spot," but I was hoping he was joking. That’s what my guy friends would do: Act like they look crappy but show up looking fly! But Anonymous Adam? Not so much. Homeboy shows up in a gray tee shirt that’s partially tucked in (the back left side was hanging out & flapping around. Also please note I said TEE SHIRT, not a button-down), Khaki pants that were probably worn once & not ironed since, clean white sneakers (thankfully they were clean), but no belt was in sight so he had a slight sag going on. Strike 2.

So we sit there, he orders a bottle of wine by name (ok, cool, he’s cultured) but it’s hard to have a conversation because there’s loud live poetry going on 20 feet away. He takes me to a downstairs area where it’s quieter. On our way downstairs, he goes, “Do u mind if I smoke?” Strike 3. I respond, “Yes, but you can go ahead.” For some strange reason, I feel compelled to ask, “Smoke what? Cigarettes?” He says…………"no, I don’t smoke cigarettes." Proceeds to whip out…………yes, you guessed it………………a spliff. Strike 4.

At this point, the date is DEFINITELY over. I am DYING laughing inside like, this can’t reeeeally be happening right now. Oh but it gets better. He goes, “so what is it that u do exactly at the construction company?” I tell him. He then segues into, “Have you ever been married or engaged?”
Um. Ok.
I respond then ask, “Why? Have you?”
He proceeds to go into explicit detail over a 20 minute timespan of how he & his ex bought a house, they were engaged, she cheated on him with one of his FEMALE friends, & how distraught he was…but “It was in 2007, and I’m over it now”. Um, really?? Because I don’t think you are! Not to mention the HUGE Date #1 NO-NO! Fellas, expanding into great detail about your ex is a big turnoff for a 1st date. Period.

Strike 5.


So we head back upstairs (because he was done dumping his relationship baggage on me and didn’t ask me ONE question about myself). The poetry was great! The wine was the flavorful! The people were friendly, I had fun! Time to go though. So he offers to walk me to my car. Amazed, I accept as it really is the most decent thing he has done all night.

However, normally when a man walks you to your car, they walk you to YOUR door, hug, may open the door for you, shut it, watch you drive off. Oh no, not Anonymous Adam. Anonymous Adam walks to the PASSENGER DOOR, enters my car & SITS DOWN! I bust out into laughter & say “OK! Am I taking YOU somewhere?!” He says, “Oh yeah, my car is just right around the corner”. Strike 6. He then directs me to “follow that car”, I quickly ask:

“where is the car going??”

Anonymous Adam: to my boy’s house around the corner

Me: Oh, so u just parked there & walked? [it was literally around the corner]

Anonymous Adam: oh no. I didn’t drive, I walked from the XYZ ["XYZ" is to replace the name of the neighborhood of which I live]

Me: [pause] ………You walked? From XYZ??

Anonymous Adam: yeah, I’m still dog-sitting for your neighbor [the friend/neighbor that vouched for this dude. The friend/neighbor that I’m gonna have a STERN talking to]

Me: So…………wait a minute. You walked PAST my condo, to The Wine Up. Why didn’t you just call me? We could’ve ridden together instead of me sitting at the bar waiting on you!

Sigh. Strike 7.

At this point, I’ve totally tuned out whatever he’s talking about & am talking to myself in my head & laughing. But somewhere when I was leaving my subconscious, I heard him say "because I don’t have a car…"

I looked at him. Then looked back at the road.

I didn’t even ask him to repeat himself. I don’t care at this point. Truthfully, I stopped caring at Strike 3.

I pull up to the driveway, give him a half hug (you know, the ones where you lean in sideways), said goodnight & drove home.

Testing

I'm writing this from my cell phone in an airport that's not my own
but I've slept, eaten, & even done my hair here because I've been here
all morning. This was only supposed to be a test to see if writing a
blog from my cell would work, then I thought...damn right this is a
test!

Im experiencing a test of patience! This is the 2nd time I've tried to
visit my siblings & nieces to no avail. The last occasion I sat in an
airport all afternoon into the evening. Today, I caught a 6:25 AM
flight to a city that I could possibly be stuck in. Seemingly, I'm not
going anywhere anytime soon. I was angry earlier but now it's comical.
As I sit here at my gate, I find myself trying to find a deeper
meaning: would something happen to me if I caught those earlier
flights? Am I meant to catch a later flight because something is
SUPPOSED to happen to me?? Probably not but I think the point is...I'm
being tested. Far too many times I take situations & believe I control
the outcome. Maybe this is God's way of saying "chill out. Have
patience. You'll get there when you're SUPPOSED to get there. You
don't control every situation so what are you upset about? Let it be. "

I'm learning patience at 28. Nice.

*Monique*

Sent from my iPhone