Testing

I'm writing this from my cell phone in an airport that's not my own
but I've slept, eaten, & even done my hair here because I've been here
all morning. This was only supposed to be a test to see if writing a
blog from my cell would work, then I thought...damn right this is a
test!

Im experiencing a test of patience! This is the 2nd time I've tried to
visit my siblings & nieces to no avail. The last occasion I sat in an
airport all afternoon into the evening. Today, I caught a 6:25 AM
flight to a city that I could possibly be stuck in. Seemingly, I'm not
going anywhere anytime soon. I was angry earlier but now it's comical.
As I sit here at my gate, I find myself trying to find a deeper
meaning: would something happen to me if I caught those earlier
flights? Am I meant to catch a later flight because something is
SUPPOSED to happen to me?? Probably not but I think the point is...I'm
being tested. Far too many times I take situations & believe I control
the outcome. Maybe this is God's way of saying "chill out. Have
patience. You'll get there when you're SUPPOSED to get there. You
don't control every situation so what are you upset about? Let it be. "

I'm learning patience at 28. Nice.

*Monique*

Sent from my iPhone

A new face, a new smile

One of the joys of being at the end of the soul train line (i.e. my 20s), is meeting the new influx of friends. We all have our High School BFFs and our college BFFs. But it is some of our "real world" BFFs that tend to undergo a facelift as we get older. The ones that didn't skip algebra class in middle school with you. The ones that weren't at your college stepshows with you. Like I said it's a joy but can also be terrifying! People come and go, especially as we age for some get families, some relocate...simply put: life just happens!
I've seen a new face. Potentially a face I had met years ago but only now have gotten to know. This new smile makes me smile, everyday in fact! It's nervewracking actually because I'm not sure if this new face is here to stay or just temporarily passing through. I'm not certain how long this new smile will light up my smile. I hope it lasts longer than those i met in my early 20s; perhaps it will last as long as my relationships with my closest High School friends? Who knows, but what I do know is that i'm enjoying peering slowly around the corner at my future, not entirely sure what I'll see. This new face makes me feel optimistic.

The Call

I just got a phone call from somebody that I used to have extreme feelings for, feelings that allowed me to lower my standards. No I'm not saying that this guy was beneath me, on the contrary, however every woman has a 'list of tolerances' she uses as a relationship measuring cup. She pours in small doses of indecisiveness, feelings of being unappreciated and most ladies add even a very small dose of infidelity. All I'll say is, among my list of tolerances was a behavior that placed his desires above mine.

If a woman's 'list of tolerances' isn't written, then it's definitely in our 'mental' scrolls. Every woman has a list. She knows what she will put up with, how much of it she'll put up with and who she will put up with, the minute she decides to open herself up to a man. For over a year, I hid my need to be in a "serious" relationship instead of coming forth with what I desired. This man was pretty adamant about his desire to not be "tied down", so you can imagine my shock when the phone rang.

He needed me. He was enthralled in a cruel love game his ex was playing with him, and didn't know how to deal with it. She was being inconsiderate of his time. She pretended to want to spend time with him, then blew him off (but only when it was convenient for her of course). Granted, I don't agree with what she did or is doing, but it makes me realize how much crap I am no longer willing to tolerate! I'm almost 30 and though "age is but a number", I find that my new list of tolerances is no longer anorexic. There are just more things that I no longer have the energy to thumb through. I listened to him vent on the phone & all I felt was pity. Pity that he can't see how the repetitive patterns in his life are stunting his growth. Thankfully with every birthday, I find some sort of inner reflection and relationship reflection.

The phone call today reminded me of how far I've come in my old age (that's a joke). I'm thankful that I'm wrapping up my 20s in a healthy way, recognizing my needs and desires, and not feeling afraid to stand by them.

PHILOSOPHIZING -- written 3/25/07

Last night (3/26/07) I had an interesting conversation with an NBA player. Someone in the flock of people around him mentioned "kids" or "being in a relationship", I don't really recall. From there, he and I went on & on about relationships.

You see, for years I've said that my generation doesn't know how to be married, and HE AGREED! We are an impatient, rambunctious bunch who likes expensive things and believe in "the bigger the better". The impatient side of us is where I related it to relationships. If he or she is not acting right....you don't fight to make it work, oh no! You find someone else. Why would u? There are plenty of fish in the sea, right? I never got that expression because....sure there's "plenty", but if you believe in The One, then what is the saying REALLY saying? I love The Cosby Show, but even Cliff & Claire had their differences.

Our parents & grandparents stuck it out and made it work. He (the NBA player) & I couldn't figure out if the option of divorce was available back then, but if so, it was extremely cliche. I think if my grandparents had the mindset of my friends, they wouldn't have lasted as long as they did.

So what's the point of it all, says my generation? Why go thru the heartache and foolishness? The disappointments and pain? To make us stronger?? hmmmm...

Herein lies the issue b/c I don't want to die without a life-partner ("life partner" b/c like i said, I'm not convinced my generation can do marriage. Perhaps I can do it Goldie-Hawn-Kurt-Russell style). I'm just not sure if he (The One) is out there. And this isn't a pity blog, please don't feel the need to send you're don't worry girl, he's out there, comments! Really. It was just a simple joy to hear -from a man- that he had the same views as I did.

Really, it's not that The One doesn't exist but will he be able to have the desire to accept me and put forth the effort to try? Will he understand that I am a loving person and i show it different ways? Will his heart be open to share his inner thoughts & feelings? Will his self-esteem be high enough to know hearsay is just hearsay-if we're together, then I'm his and vice versa? Will he have the faith necessary to trust me with his heart? As the basketball player and I decided, he/she may be out there but our generation doesn't have the desire to make it happen. We are all talk and no game.

And I dare not cast blame on others. I think I could've easily met The One before, but the timing was wrong or perhaps I had some growing up to do. That's real talk. I mean, hell, I'm a part of this generation too...Though I don't believe we've got it, I'd like to maintain optimism in thinking when I am ready to meet my life-partner, he'll be ready (& fully equipped) to play the game.

Where are the articles on CNN.com?

Everything I would click on, anything that remotely sparked my interest was a video. When did we stop reading? Perhaps I'm still a bit behind on the times but there is something refreshing about picking up a book and reading. Ok, let me not go too far as I am not referring to a novel simply an article on a website, or so I thought. It is almost as if to say we have pushed all literature (and the God-forsaken HANDWRITTEN literature), and replaced it with technology. Now, anyone who knows me KNOWS I love the excitement & capabilities technology brings. On one hand, I can journey through the donut land with Yoshi dodging enormous cannons and play in the clouds…and on the other hand I can completely organize myself to a "T", listen to all music ever made on a less-than-one-pound gadget while never missing a meeting. I am the girl that had CDs before a CD player. This is me. But some things are sacred to me. I read articles online because I don't subscribe to the Observer. I don't watch CNN b/c TV is my tool for escapism. But I do like to know what's going on, and I like reading articles to find out. So now you're telling me I'm forced to watch TV online? There wasn't even an option (I think that's what sparked this blog!). Offer me the article and the video please. Paper or plastic? Chocolate or vanilla? We live in a society of options. Nope, not on CNN.com. You know, my bosses call me the 'English major' because I'm the editor on most correspondence. I don't claim to know it all, not in the slightest. I just think that if you read you have a better grasp on how language flows, that's all. You may even learn a word or two (Like, "antidisestablishmentarianism"… opposing the belief that there shouldn't be an official church in a country…I think it's the 2nd largest word in the dictionary too!). Don't mind me though, I'm just a simple girl annoyed I couldn't read a stupid article on the influx of battered teachers. I mean, what if I was deaf? (ok, I'm stretching, but you get what I mean!?). I just fear that the 7th graders I used to teach (that were reading on a 5th grade level) are never going to get caught up, especially if we believe television and internet are the only forms of knowledge.

My 1st Gray Hair (Aug.20, '08)

As I was relinquishing myself of the requested hair that got me nowhere, I found a long gray one. I don't know if it pisses me off that it has arrived & will surely bring a posse of followers or that my birthday is around the corner. Which is more cruel? The jury is still out.

I find it incredibly fitting that I would discover this unwelcomed visitor just 5 days after the biggest disappointment of my life. Co-ink-idink? I think not.

I believe things happen in 3s. First teaching, then dance, now what? What could possibly be left? It seems like I'm forever asking what does it all mean? My ex said that perhaps God is saying let me handle it...I have something in store & I NEED YOU TO RELY ON ME. I think he's right. Perhaps I've been on cruise control, "handling" everything on my own like I've been raised to do and now God is like uh uh. No.

My iVerse for today is from Philippians 4:09 which supposedly reads: Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or see in me, put it into practice and the God of peace will be with you.

Co-ink-idink? I think not.

But it seems like everywhere I turn there are no answers. No emails have the answer. Phone calls don't have the answers. This gray hair definitely imparts no wisdom. I'm just left to chill with my own thoughts. Hooray.

Everyone tells me there is a bigger plan in store & I don't doubt it. I guess my gray hair & I will have to de-stress & leave it up to God.

Hi, I'm Just thinking...

Every once in a while, I have these introverted moments where all I feel like doing is writing. I plan on using this blog to document my thoughts (instead of myspace) to keep track of my ideas and feelings on...whatever. I dare not cheat on my diary however, this blog will be in conjunction with my 10 year relationship with "journaling" ;)

I'm writing tonight because this weekend has forced me to rethink some things. I'm just not sure if what I thought was real, is actually real. I'm just not sure if what I believed you were saying, is actually what you said. I'm just not sure if what i'm experiencing is supposed to teach me something. I get that i'm not supposed to know it all, but can I at least get a hint or the cliffnotes?

A lot has happened and i'm still learning and growing. I have a year before I enter a different age bracket and I anticipate a change. Not sure what that change is supposed to look like, but i'm... cautiously eager. I'll do my best to keep up with this blog and detail my thoughts & realizations over the year or so... Perhaps we can learn something together!