Do you like your coffee with cream or black?

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague a couple days ago that I would like to share (& blog about, lol). It was regarding a special that ABC ran on "Why Can't a Successful Black Woman Find A Man?"
And here goes the discourse...

MB [3:49 PM]:
did u watch that Nightline special?

Douglas, Monique [3:51 PM]:
OMG. How about it didn't tape!!

MB [3:51 PM]:
oooo, that smells

Douglas, Monique [3:51 PM]:
hahahahahahahaha

MB [3:52 PM]:
yeah, the men on the guys panel said women need to date more men with potential and women look too much at status...and the women said that they've tried, and the men end up being tired brothers. I have my own opinion of what I think more black women should do...

Douglas, Monique [4:16 PM]:
And what do you think Black women should do?

MB [4:16 PM]:
well there aren't a lot of good black men out there...that's been proven.
so

Douglas, Monique [4:17 PM]:
true

MB [4:17 PM]:
why don't black women date more outside of our culture? And not just white men...other cultures. Men of other cultures love black women, are fascinated by them.It seems like a lot of black women don't even consider it when in reality, they may meet someone who may treat them the way they want to be treated, less drama, more resposnible, etc. etc.

Douglas, Monique [4:18 PM]:
i agree!

MB [4:19 PM]:
from what I know, men from other cultures are a bit intimidated by black women, which is why they don't approach as much but if Black Women opened themselves up more, they'd hit the jackpot. I just think Black Women need to think out of the box more. Black men aren't the only ones out there.
***

WOW. Now there's a thought. Albeit nothing revolutionary but certainly enough to inspire a blog post...

DISCLAIMER TO BLACK WOMEN: In no way am I saying that the only way to find love is to date outside of your race.

Now that that's out of the way, I do find it interesting that some of us (fairly successful Black Women) frown upon those that choose to do so or they don't consider it an option at all! Why not? Some of us surely are considering it. What is so taboo?

I dated a man of Czech descent for 2 years & some change. Early in our relationship, I would tell my loved ones the cute story of how we met & how happy I was; their voices would emulate excitement & genuine happiness for me! I too was thrilled to be as happy as I was! Then the inevitable, "what does he look like" question would come about. So I'd respond truthfully:

"Well he's 6'4"...a genuine, big smile...kind of a swimmer/basketball player build...36 years old...brown hair...blue eyes"

[Insert a solid 5 seconds of silence]

The shock was clearly discerned in their voice as they continued to congratulate me. Let me be sure to note though that it's not that my loved ones were AGAINST it, they were simply surprised at the blue-eyed description as I'd never dated outside of my race before.

So why won't some of us cross over? Does it have to do with where you're from? In other words, in my opinion interracial dating is more accepted in highly populated, multicultural metropolitan areas like New York & Miami. Lately, there have been plenty a stir over Sandra Bullock's adoption of a New Orleans/Hurricane Katrina displaced child, but... mainly because he's Black. Does skin pigmentation really matter if a child can result from a loving home & family? Well, that's another blog in itself...

The overall central theme is the same though: Some of us need not see race. It's 2010, when do we leave history for the history books? In no way am I saying forget what our ancestors experienced, I'm saying let's move forward to the future.

Ideally, it would be nice to marry someone of Jamaican/American decent like me, who could somewhat relate to my story and my cultures, but will I let that be my only criteria? Oh no. As seen in the Nightline special, there's a huge gap in the numbers of single Black women v. other women. Perhaps we need to try something new to satisfy us?

The earlier conversation with my coworker was with an educated, successful Black Man. He firmly believes that Black Women should try to date outside of our race & I agree with him -and not because I have- but because love doesn't discriminate. If a man can provide for a woman, is educated, kind-hearted, open-minded, family oriented & meets whatever the other aesthetic or general standards are for that woman, well then... nothing else should matter.

Right?

Speak up but please be silent. Thank you.

Why is it that when you call a spade "a spade," you get logged as the insensitive bitch? Or better yet "overreacting" or "TOO sensitive"? Since when did accurately describing a person or a situation, become such a negative reflection of the person doing the describing?

A close male friend of mine has once described me as having a "strong personality" regarding my recent dating fiascoes, and he's right. I do have a very strong personality. I have certain beliefs that when crossed, my reaction albeit positive or negative, will be quite obvious. I don't feel that I should have to apologize for them however, if I'm not being rude or disorderly.

So if something upsets me, don't I have the right to react as such? Again, I'm not talking about being rude or disorderly... that's not my style really (I'd rather not be the loud, angry, Black woman truthfully so I try to stay angry within my limits, lol).

Our society is all about freedom of speech yet total censorship. You can say what you want to say but... maybe not in the workplace...or perhaps not during peak TV hours as the kids could be home from school... or probably not without the proper movie rating...or...or...or...

Such is the trend. Maybe as you get older, you censor less (that's the cliché anyway). I don't know if that's it though...

Example #1: Today in my weekly meeting, I said what was on every body's minds yet I received the "How dare she!" eyes. Example #2: I was reunited with a guy I dated & called him out for his foul, immature behavior. He seemed appalled. Example #3: I wasn't paid for a full day's work & instead of accepting what I got quietly & being grateful for "the opportunity," I complained for being short-changed. I was criticized for being irritated.

None of those 3 examples have anything to do with me approaching 30. They're each (in their own way) samples of how society has bred us to believe that there are some times when our mouths should remain shut, so when we unleash our tongues, we are frowned upon. Castrated. Given the Scarlett A.

I don't profess to know it all. In fact, I can argue that I know the art form of dance & the language structure of French very well but that's about it. Perhaps it IS my strong personality that I was raised with, but I believe that if you have something to say, you say it and If something is wrong, you let it be known that's it wrong. Of course there are caveats to that (ha ha!). I was also raised not to hurt any one's feelings (on purpose), be faithful to God, respect your elders, etc. etc. so sometimes I WILL bite my tongue, depending on the situation. That is to be expected. However, this "speak your mind but really be silent" memo, I am not too fond of and perhaps that has a lot to do with age...

Life is short folks, do what you can...

A colleague's father died 6 weeks ago. Her husband died 4 weeks ago. Her son committed suicide on Friday.

Her FATHER died 6 weeks ago.

Her HUSBAND died 4 weeks ago.

Her SON committed suicide on Friday.

When one of my close colleagues Bob* told me what happened this morning, I gasped loudly. It's a cliché but quite a natural reaction when you hear that someone had suffered so many losses within such a short period of time.

I don't know how Mary* is going to pull through this. I don't know how I would pull through this! How do you bounce back after losing arguably the 3 most important men/people in your life?

For a brief moment, I thought about the news Bob gave me this morning: "Mary's son committed suicide." I thought about the prior events & wondered if Mary's son felt life wasn't worth living any longer without his father & grandfather around. Which makes me ponder what Mary could be feeling without her son, husband & father around.

After I thought about Mary & her recent situation, I gave thanks to God for seeing another day & asked him to forgive me for bitching about another Monday. I thought about the cliché "life is short" and how true it has proven to be in the past 6 months. I reflected on Saturday night, when Gucci Mane's "Wasted" blared through Suite's speakers, I thought about Ricky & wished he was with me because that was his song. He passed almost 6 months ago & that song still gets me; I stopped dancing & sent a tweet saying "RIP RICKY" before carrying on with a mellow two-step. I thought about how you just never know where life can take you & you never know what other people are going through at any moment.

Then I became livid. Yesterday was my sister's 38th birthday. She & I haven't been speaking for months now, all because of a package I never received and due to a miscommunication through text messages. I'm not going to get into it but the outcome of the text war was her telling me that I'm cut off from all things concerning her daughter (my niece) and that she (my sister) 'does not like me right now' and doesn't want to speak to me. Though the anger came out of left field & banning me from my niece was an extremely irrational reaction, I still left her 2 apologetic voice mails & text messages only to have them left unanswered. Yesterday, it was her birthday and even though her reaction & lack of maturity infuriates me, I sent her a "happy birthday" text, only to have that left unanswered as well.

So why am I blogging about this? It's a reminder that life is seriously too short. I don't understand what is worth being so stubborn over, when we know that our time on this Earth is limited. So due to Mary's unfortunate & sad events, I may have to bite the bullet yet again and make my sister get over this because life is extremely unpredictable & unfair to forsake family over a stupid, unreceived package.


*The names of my colleagues have been changed for this blog.

It's not you. It's them. Seriously.

I don't know why people date. I have had 9 consecutive bad dating experiences, I'm starting to feel like either it's me or the universe is just against all things referring to dating & me! From the violent, the car-less & the liars, to those that don't know how to use the telephone, those that lie about their phone usage & those that are just flat out weird...I've seen it all and let me tell you, I'm not too pleased with the XY chromosomes these days.

When I told one of my best friends about my latest & greatest disappointment, her response after her initial shock was "It's not you. It's them. Seriously." A part of me confidently agrees with her but it's the other part of me that says "am I attracting the wrong types of men?"

Approaching 30 will make you reflect on your life decisions but I'm finding that the more I inch towards September 21, my experiences with men get more & more outrageous. Is this what I have to look forward to?

And if it isn't me, why is it them??

Why does it take men so long to figure shit out? Sure women mature faster, but is the maturity curve really by THAT much? Do I now have to wait until I'm 37 to meet a guy who is mature enough to be what I expect him to be?

And for the record, I don't hold any impossible expectations nor are there any invisible bars that he isn't aware of or can't reach. I am a very reasonable person & per some of my friends, I tend to be too nice & too forgiving (hence why I'm curious If I'm bringing this on myself or if it's really, truly "them").

Anyway, I think the point she was trying to make is that I'm just in a bad dating ditch right now. I keep meeting guys that seemingly are the ones that can get me out of the ditch, but they're losers & don't have the strength, knowledge or common sense to do so, which...is not my fault.
So I guess I'll keep trekking along... even though I really don't have the energy anymore to go down this road.

30 What? 30 Who??

I just read the latest entry of one of my closest friends, Katie and it made me stop & think for a moment.

Why is it such a big ordeal to turn 30?

Katie writes on her blog: "As I often convey to friends who are conversely approaching 30 with a sense of trepidation and foreboding: We must be grateful to be given the years of which others are denied so that the few they might have been granted were not lived in vain. I guess that's part of my own little guide to living life."

How inconsiderate of me to think that 30 is the "end all, be all." How insensitive have I been after having two friends pass in their 20s, to not be grateful & welcoming to the idea of approaching another decade. I'm actually slightly disgusted with myself for shuddering every time I thought about being 30 or snapping at my mother every time she rounds my age up to the next number.

I preach about appreciating life and enjoying every moment, yet I cringe when I think of living another year? Since when did I become so unappreciative, thoughtless & selfish?

One could argue that I've been through a rough 3 years financially, personally, & professionally (dance wise & career wise), but that's such a crutch and last I checked, I can walk just fine. When did I stop walking on my own & taking accountability for each of those steps? Yes, I'm approaching 30 and out of all of my childhood goals, I don't have my Masters Degree by now and that bothers me. And? So what?! I know why I don't have my Masters (some are valid reasons, some are flat out excuses) and that's all that matters! At the end of the day, I am accountable for the steps I made in my 20s and I should approach 30 with my head held high, instead of brushing my feet along the pavement, with a beveled neck, thinking about all the failures in my life. I've still accomplished a lot compared to others:

1. At 23, I bought a condo.

2. For 4 years, I danced for a brand new NBA franchise team during it's first 4 years of existence. That's historical.

3. As a 25yr old teacher, I was named the Department Head of all the Foreign Language classes at my school.

4. I was placed on a committee that was in charge of choosing & approving the new French textbooks to be used by ALL of Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools. I'm talking K-12grade people. We had to read & approve several publications and render decisions on what content(s) should be included. There were MAYBE 30 of us total in all of Charlotte on that committee representing several languages.

5. I began a French club at the middle school where I taught, and I believe it's still there today.

6. I was one of 3 to be nominated for the NBA's All-Star Dance Team. As far as I know, an All-Star Dance Team was never done before, so to have been nominated is also like being a part of history!

7. I choreographed a routine for a high school dance team that placed 1st, thank you very much.

And that's to name a few...

So what's my deal? What's the big deal?? Is it that I haven't met all my goals? Well, possibly but I need to start thinking positively and not focus on all the negative i.e the goals I haven't achieved -yet. Because one day I WILL achieve these goals, just on my own time frame.

And as for how "30" sounds compared to "29"? Well, like any new pair of shoes it'll take some getting used to but eventually, it'll be just as comfortable as any other pair.

Forgive & let go

I'm not the best when it comes to "forgive & forget," so when my mother says I should forgive & forget when a certain someone for totally being belligerently drunk at my company's function, I wasn't entirely too thrilled to hear that.

I thought about it & decided...I like how "forgive & let go" sounds versus the old "forgive & forget" saying we've all heard a million times. If I can let go of a situation, then I will forget momentarily, but to insinuate that forgiving & forgetting occurs instantaneously, well, that's just silly.

A lot happened instantaneously, yes. Within seconds, this someone was drunk, shouting & being violent towards me. Though it happened rather quickly, forgetting that night and moving on from it doesn't occur with light-speed unfortunately. I am trying. I really am trying to forget, especially since this sort of behavior is completely atypical of this person's character. Then again, people said the same thing about Ted Bundy.

So I am working on forgiving and letting go of that night (a night that happened to be February 14th) and not focus on the fact that I had a wonderful date that 5 hours later ended up being someone I didn't recognize. I really wish this "forgive and forget" expression came with a book of instructions of how to do so exactly!

Actually, I am terrified of how that night could have ended yet I'm still so shocked that I don't believe it even happened at all...... so I battle internally with how I can even forget it in the first place!

I know I'm speaking vaguely. I apologize.

Sigh... the decisions we make. It's interesting how these decisions become grander as we get older.

Approaching 30 really is no joke...

Writing my future

"If you can make it through this chapter and still want to write for pay, then you have our permission to go ahead & give this freelance life a serious shot."

I'm reading a book from the Complete Idiot's Guide series, to help me understand what it would take to get my articles published in magazines. Ever since I was a child I would write in my diary (and I still do) and write my mother notes whenever she & I were apart, or just write just because! When I was a freshman in college, my English teacher told me that I should consider changing my 'undecided' major to English but I opted for a different path. Now that I am older, I have realized that I have always truly enjoyed writing and should pursue it! Take the leap of faith! Give it a try!

This book that I'm reading really lays out the pros and cons of being a freelance writer, some of which I am already aware of honestly, but for some reason it reads differently in print. I am so excited that I've decided to reach out to my current Editor to get his insight into the writing industry & even potentially pick his brain on how to get some paid gigs (wink wink).

So wish me luck! I've always wanted to turn my diaries into a book one day (who would read it, i don't know!), and I hope my future as a freelance writer will help me to achieve that dream! Ciao...