30 What? 30 Who??

I just read the latest entry of one of my closest friends, Katie and it made me stop & think for a moment.

Why is it such a big ordeal to turn 30?

Katie writes on her blog: "As I often convey to friends who are conversely approaching 30 with a sense of trepidation and foreboding: We must be grateful to be given the years of which others are denied so that the few they might have been granted were not lived in vain. I guess that's part of my own little guide to living life."

How inconsiderate of me to think that 30 is the "end all, be all." How insensitive have I been after having two friends pass in their 20s, to not be grateful & welcoming to the idea of approaching another decade. I'm actually slightly disgusted with myself for shuddering every time I thought about being 30 or snapping at my mother every time she rounds my age up to the next number.

I preach about appreciating life and enjoying every moment, yet I cringe when I think of living another year? Since when did I become so unappreciative, thoughtless & selfish?

One could argue that I've been through a rough 3 years financially, personally, & professionally (dance wise & career wise), but that's such a crutch and last I checked, I can walk just fine. When did I stop walking on my own & taking accountability for each of those steps? Yes, I'm approaching 30 and out of all of my childhood goals, I don't have my Masters Degree by now and that bothers me. And? So what?! I know why I don't have my Masters (some are valid reasons, some are flat out excuses) and that's all that matters! At the end of the day, I am accountable for the steps I made in my 20s and I should approach 30 with my head held high, instead of brushing my feet along the pavement, with a beveled neck, thinking about all the failures in my life. I've still accomplished a lot compared to others:

1. At 23, I bought a condo.

2. For 4 years, I danced for a brand new NBA franchise team during it's first 4 years of existence. That's historical.

3. As a 25yr old teacher, I was named the Department Head of all the Foreign Language classes at my school.

4. I was placed on a committee that was in charge of choosing & approving the new French textbooks to be used by ALL of Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools. I'm talking K-12grade people. We had to read & approve several publications and render decisions on what content(s) should be included. There were MAYBE 30 of us total in all of Charlotte on that committee representing several languages.

5. I began a French club at the middle school where I taught, and I believe it's still there today.

6. I was one of 3 to be nominated for the NBA's All-Star Dance Team. As far as I know, an All-Star Dance Team was never done before, so to have been nominated is also like being a part of history!

7. I choreographed a routine for a high school dance team that placed 1st, thank you very much.

And that's to name a few...

So what's my deal? What's the big deal?? Is it that I haven't met all my goals? Well, possibly but I need to start thinking positively and not focus on all the negative i.e the goals I haven't achieved -yet. Because one day I WILL achieve these goals, just on my own time frame.

And as for how "30" sounds compared to "29"? Well, like any new pair of shoes it'll take some getting used to but eventually, it'll be just as comfortable as any other pair.

Forgive & let go

I'm not the best when it comes to "forgive & forget," so when my mother says I should forgive & forget when a certain someone for totally being belligerently drunk at my company's function, I wasn't entirely too thrilled to hear that.

I thought about it & decided...I like how "forgive & let go" sounds versus the old "forgive & forget" saying we've all heard a million times. If I can let go of a situation, then I will forget momentarily, but to insinuate that forgiving & forgetting occurs instantaneously, well, that's just silly.

A lot happened instantaneously, yes. Within seconds, this someone was drunk, shouting & being violent towards me. Though it happened rather quickly, forgetting that night and moving on from it doesn't occur with light-speed unfortunately. I am trying. I really am trying to forget, especially since this sort of behavior is completely atypical of this person's character. Then again, people said the same thing about Ted Bundy.

So I am working on forgiving and letting go of that night (a night that happened to be February 14th) and not focus on the fact that I had a wonderful date that 5 hours later ended up being someone I didn't recognize. I really wish this "forgive and forget" expression came with a book of instructions of how to do so exactly!

Actually, I am terrified of how that night could have ended yet I'm still so shocked that I don't believe it even happened at all...... so I battle internally with how I can even forget it in the first place!

I know I'm speaking vaguely. I apologize.

Sigh... the decisions we make. It's interesting how these decisions become grander as we get older.

Approaching 30 really is no joke...

Writing my future

"If you can make it through this chapter and still want to write for pay, then you have our permission to go ahead & give this freelance life a serious shot."

I'm reading a book from the Complete Idiot's Guide series, to help me understand what it would take to get my articles published in magazines. Ever since I was a child I would write in my diary (and I still do) and write my mother notes whenever she & I were apart, or just write just because! When I was a freshman in college, my English teacher told me that I should consider changing my 'undecided' major to English but I opted for a different path. Now that I am older, I have realized that I have always truly enjoyed writing and should pursue it! Take the leap of faith! Give it a try!

This book that I'm reading really lays out the pros and cons of being a freelance writer, some of which I am already aware of honestly, but for some reason it reads differently in print. I am so excited that I've decided to reach out to my current Editor to get his insight into the writing industry & even potentially pick his brain on how to get some paid gigs (wink wink).

So wish me luck! I've always wanted to turn my diaries into a book one day (who would read it, i don't know!), and I hope my future as a freelance writer will help me to achieve that dream! Ciao...

Losing sleep over the future

I have a lot on my mind & i think this is why my sleep pattern is
being disrupted. I'm thinking about a new location to begin my 30s
(not the true reason) that I'll need a reasonable sized budget for,
christmas is in 2 days, New Year's Eve is coming without a fab dress nor plans, and I've met someone that could actually hurt me. Hmm where do I begin...

I'd like to relocate so that I could explore other dance
opportunities. That's it. I'm young. I don't have any kids. Why not?
The budget for rellocating is such a terrifying thought to factor in when the bills & other sudden urgenices pop up, like your car's engine light or the fact that your HOA dues have increased. Crap, that's another 30-40 minutes of lost sleep!

Christmas is coming, which means so is the family. I need to clean. I begin to fret. Another 20 minutes lost.

New Year's Eve is arriving with such speed & I need another 2 weeks! I don't have an outfit, I don't have plans, I don't have my "roll dawg" in town, O-M-G! Did I accomplish all that I set out to do in 2009? Why, yes actually; my goal was to run a half marathon this year and I ran two! Check. Then, why am I not ready for this year to end? It was undoubtedly one of the worst years of my life, but I can't figure out why I want to slow down the hands of time. Another 30 minutes lost, pondering this very thought.

Perhaps it's because time is bringing me closer to 30? Hmmm, I'll dive into that later! In the meantime, I wrestle with thinking about what "30" means to me...for another 10 minutes.

And lastly, I've met someone new. Someone interesting. But if I usher in the New Year too soon, does that mean that I need to hurry up & figure things out with the new person? With so much happening in this upcoming year, I feel as if I'm up against a deadline & my next article is due when the sun rises! There goes another 40 minutes of sleep.

I hope things will iron out in my head, and fast. It's Wednesday and so far I've racked up 15 hours of sleep so far. That's not good. Here's to the next 8 days...

Life off the court...

Recently, I had a couple interesting conversations with an old friend. This old friend of mine isn't "old" per se, just someone I was close to at one point, then we lost touch but we've now since reconnected. This friend of mine used to play professional basketball in the NBA but fell victim to an injury & hasn't played for a couple years since then. Since he fell off the radar, I continued dancing in the NBA until that fateful day in 2008 where my services were no longer needed.

After my 4 year tenure, I went through many stages of grief. Disillusionment. Disbelief. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Dismembered, as if I were torn apart. I didn't want to eat, but couldn't stop eating. I didn't want people to see me, but couldn't stay at home. I yearned for silence but hated every minute of it. My boyfriend at the time did the best he could to understand my situation, but the truth of the matter is...no one really gets what it feels like! There are few that actually can empathize with being a part of a team, then all of a sudden, having that family torn from you. It was a "family". I saw those girls more than I saw my mother, even when I was still living WITH my mother. I spent Thanksgivings & New Year's with those girls...they become your family. And unless one is READY and WANTING to break apart from it all, to leave unexpectedly can truly leave a painful mark on your heart. It does something to you.

Because what happens is, you went from years of wanting free time, to not knowing what the hell to do with all this newfound free time! You go from having your weekends booked solid from July-April, to not having a damn thing to do, and you feel restless. Invalid. Pointless. You want nothing more than to spend time with your family, but...your family is on the court! You start to question what your life is bringing to the table, and why is it that you're not 'living'. Are you living? So many unanswered questions and the worst part is that no one can answer it for you. No one understands the question but yourself.

When the ex-NBA player & I caught up, I found it fascinating to discover that we had similar views on life off the basketball court. He spoke about how things became political for him, which, I think politics had something to do with my situation as well. He spoke about the various offers he still got once he left, but that he didn't entertain them. It seemed to be an all or nothing attitude, I heard. Perhaps they offered him a spot on a developmental league of which he may've felt overqualified for...I don't know. He didn't say. We both did agree that people don't realize what an adjustment it is, adjusting to 'real life' after the NBA. When you're in the NBA, people talk to you differently (yes, even if you're just a dancer), people treat you like you're special in some aspects, you meet a lot of "known" people, your face is recognizable. When you're no longer affiliated with it, people aren't sure how to react sometimes. And it's always written all over their faces, the awkwardness. For me, those faces usually come from the newbies, who aren't sure how to approach me. My comparison would be like when you're meeting the inlaws for the 1st time...a slight awkwardness is there because they're unfamiliar even though you're all family. So you hug anyway.

I'm looking forward to continuing this conversation with the ex-NBA player; I'd like to pick his brain a little more to see if it's still a familial atmosphere for him & his past teammates. For me, it most certainly is! Seeing the girls I spent 4 years of my life with is always a joyous moment. We're in each other's weddings. We're at each other's baby showers. We're a family. It's just the life after the family divorces,that really takes some getting used to...and I'm hoping I'll adjust any day now.

The end of a relationship

I am mourning yet another loss. It's the loss of a friendship this time, guess a death of sorts. After 11 years of camaraderie, it's a wrap. Kaput. Just like that.

I was accused of knowing something I didn't actually know, and instead of believing in me, he chose not to believe. He chose to second guess my words. He chose to second guess me. He chose to interrogate me versus listening and understanding that I loved him. He has always known that before...why not now?

I'm curious to research how people react to their covers being blown...to uncover what the typical reaction is for those whose lies have been brought to light. Some would argue that they tend to misplace the blame & accuse others of wrongdoings. Some might even say that they would deter the focus of the real issue at hand, to bring attention to something else, something insignificant. I don't know what the general reaction would be but one would think that after 11 years, a friendship might be worth salvaging. Perhaps he was lying? I don't know but what IS obvious is that I DON'T KNOW a whole lot about friendships, and I'm going into my 30s! Geeze, what have I been learning?

So far I've learned that every 5 years or so, I do a "control + alt + delete" on some relationships, some get a "restart" and some carry on as normal. I think this can be healthy, as people change & want different things in life. Some "Operating Systems" get old & an upgrade becomes necessary. I just wouldn't have thought that due to a typo, my 11 year bond with this person would end so abruptly & without a pop-up warning box.

I have a lot to learn next year and I only hope that with age comes much wisdom. It saddens me that my track record as a friend wasn't good enough for him but here's hoping that when I reboot at 30 years old, I'll no longer have these issues plaguing me like a virus, I'll be fully functioning and almost like brand new!

*M*

Ricky

I found myself wanting to tell everyone but not wanting to actually admit that it happened. I thought about tweeting. Then i thought that was tacky. "But everyone should know...we all love him, everyone should know." Then I thought about Twitter...and Facebook. Oh my God...people are going to tweet him today & not know what happened. People are going to make facebook comments to him on this very day & not know what happened last night. And whose job is it to alert the masses? Whose job is it to tell his twitter friends & facebook friends that we day-to-day friends don't personally know, that he's...

i didn't even know how much i cared until now. But i always knew. He & I have hung out solo & even sometimes when we were with the other guys or in a group, we were still solo. We'd have our own conversations. He always read my articles. And sometimes when we were out, we would stumble upon a new edition, he would read it right then, right there. Then tell me his thoughts immediately after. He knew my thoughts without me having to say anything.

When he told me he was going to the Dominican Republic, he was excited. Told me he'd be tweeting once he got wifi down there. I said something like, "love ya, have fun & be safe...i'm so jealous!" and i remember thinking, "I've never said 'i love ya' to Ricky or any of the other guys for that matter...other than Briscoe of course." But it didn't bother me. B/c i love my friends, not all romantically, but i love them because they're spectacular people whom i trust & treat like a 2nd family. He responded something to the effect of "you too, and there's a half marathon Nov. 7th that i wanna do, let me know if u wanna join me." I know i thought about responding, but i was busy at work & i honestly can't recall if i did or not.*

And i'm too terrified to get on twitter to see.

I still don't believe it's true. I feel numb & exhausted & deeply sad. I want to reach out to my friends too but i'm afraid i don't have the words. I'm afraid i don't have the strength to be a rock for everyone. Maybe they don't need me, maybe I need them. I think about the future and i just don't see how things will be the same without Ricky. He passed...way too soon. We're all dealing with the loss of a friend...way too soon. He had such a joie de vivre...he was the one of the few people I've met that seemed to never have a sad day. Blue was never a mood for him; he always had everyone laughing. It just doesn't seem right.

People say that when your loved ones die, you tend to face your own mortality. In this situation, it has made me not only question mine, but it has freaked me out about the mortality of those around me. Also makes me wonder what one's "last thoughts" are when something unexpected like this happens.
I wonder if Ricky was terrified the night he...
I wonder if Ricky had had a fun day, prior to the night he...
I wonder if Ricky said a quick prayer before he...
I wonder if Ricky had any last thoughts as he...

I don't know the answers and I wish I could just ask him...perhaps it's just not as bad as I'm imagining. I want to ask him if he at least enjoyed that day but then my rational side says "of course he did! Ricky enjoyed EVERYday." He enjoyed everyday, made us laugh everyday and eventhough I know this, I wish I could tell him not to go on that vacation so that we can enjoy our 30s together.


M

*Since writing this, I have run across the Direct Msg. I did respond saying that Nov.7th is really soon but that I would try...and we'd talk when he got back.