The world keeps spinning. A paragraphed list of things I know & remember...

A year ago today, around 2am,  I was sleeping when my iPhone rang. I remember slowly emerging from my Stage 4 sleep...contemplating not answering the phone because "It's a Thursday. I have work tomorrow dammit"...then thinking "what if something's wrong? Maybe Ana needs a ride home or something happened with Kelli" (I thought about Ana & Kelli because we've been known in the past to go out on a weeknight, so I assumed a 2am call from one of them wouldn't be a total shocker). I picked up my phone & vaguely made out a picture of Alexis in her Halloween costume; the picture I chose for her caller ID.

Somewhat confused, I hesitantly answered, "Hey honey, how are you? Are you ok?"
"No. Ricky's dead" she said.

I remember immediately sitting up in bed. I remember feeling awake simultaneously, no more cloudiness. I remember saying "What?", honestly wondering if I heard her correctly. I remember her crying & saying that he drowned & that she couldn't get in touch with Ana. I remember thinking I had to speak to the boys & I had to speak to Ana as soon as possible.

So Alexis & I got off the phone & I did just that. I called Ana, but it went to voicemail. I thought to call Damu but I decided to call Briscoe first, because I figured Damu already knew. It's funny that I remember thinking all of this. After that, I called Ana & she answered, bawling. Her words were slurred behind her tears & she was completely incoherent...which means she knew.

I don't remember much after that. I know I laid there & cried. I know that it didn't feel real. I know that when I woke up, I couldn't wake up, so I emailed my boss & said that I'd be late to work. I know that I couldn't focus at work that day & I left early. I know I was in shock.

There are a lot of things I don't know though. I don't know when it was that Ricky & I became close. I think it happened naturally: One day we were being introduced, the next day we were talking about goals & where we saw ourselves in 5 years. I admit there is a lot I don't know about him but the things I do know, I miss. Even a year later.

There isn't anyone in the world -or in heaven- like Ricky. He just had this way of living that seemed so laissez-faire, yet everything he did, every move he made was calculated. He was very smart, very opinionated, very driven & very spontaneous. You could talk to him about anything, from parties to politics. What I love most about Ricky is that you just couldn't be in a bad mood around him. It was literally impossible. Impossible.

I don't think about him everyday anymore, it comes & goes. Nowadays, I smile when Gucci Mane's "Wasted" comes on, instead of cry. I look back on the pictures that I refuse to delete & I smile. I remember my 29th birthday & I can see him smiling at me, so I smile. That's what he would've wanted anyway, right?

I'm aware that the world keeps spinning & life goes on when people die. I know this. We all know this. But Ricky, it just...amazes me that a year has already passed without you here. You are truly missed.