Ricky

I found myself wanting to tell everyone but not wanting to actually admit that it happened. I thought about tweeting. Then i thought that was tacky. "But everyone should know...we all love him, everyone should know." Then I thought about Twitter...and Facebook. Oh my God...people are going to tweet him today & not know what happened. People are going to make facebook comments to him on this very day & not know what happened last night. And whose job is it to alert the masses? Whose job is it to tell his twitter friends & facebook friends that we day-to-day friends don't personally know, that he's...

i didn't even know how much i cared until now. But i always knew. He & I have hung out solo & even sometimes when we were with the other guys or in a group, we were still solo. We'd have our own conversations. He always read my articles. And sometimes when we were out, we would stumble upon a new edition, he would read it right then, right there. Then tell me his thoughts immediately after. He knew my thoughts without me having to say anything.

When he told me he was going to the Dominican Republic, he was excited. Told me he'd be tweeting once he got wifi down there. I said something like, "love ya, have fun & be safe...i'm so jealous!" and i remember thinking, "I've never said 'i love ya' to Ricky or any of the other guys for that matter...other than Briscoe of course." But it didn't bother me. B/c i love my friends, not all romantically, but i love them because they're spectacular people whom i trust & treat like a 2nd family. He responded something to the effect of "you too, and there's a half marathon Nov. 7th that i wanna do, let me know if u wanna join me." I know i thought about responding, but i was busy at work & i honestly can't recall if i did or not.*

And i'm too terrified to get on twitter to see.

I still don't believe it's true. I feel numb & exhausted & deeply sad. I want to reach out to my friends too but i'm afraid i don't have the words. I'm afraid i don't have the strength to be a rock for everyone. Maybe they don't need me, maybe I need them. I think about the future and i just don't see how things will be the same without Ricky. He passed...way too soon. We're all dealing with the loss of a friend...way too soon. He had such a joie de vivre...he was the one of the few people I've met that seemed to never have a sad day. Blue was never a mood for him; he always had everyone laughing. It just doesn't seem right.

People say that when your loved ones die, you tend to face your own mortality. In this situation, it has made me not only question mine, but it has freaked me out about the mortality of those around me. Also makes me wonder what one's "last thoughts" are when something unexpected like this happens.
I wonder if Ricky was terrified the night he...
I wonder if Ricky had had a fun day, prior to the night he...
I wonder if Ricky said a quick prayer before he...
I wonder if Ricky had any last thoughts as he...

I don't know the answers and I wish I could just ask him...perhaps it's just not as bad as I'm imagining. I want to ask him if he at least enjoyed that day but then my rational side says "of course he did! Ricky enjoyed EVERYday." He enjoyed everyday, made us laugh everyday and eventhough I know this, I wish I could tell him not to go on that vacation so that we can enjoy our 30s together.


M

*Since writing this, I have run across the Direct Msg. I did respond saying that Nov.7th is really soon but that I would try...and we'd talk when he got back.